Jimmy wrote:

How would a visit by the Fab 5 to Collinwood go?

1.) The food expert would try to get Mrs. Johnson to cook with more
spices and try ethinic foods on the menu. She would serve him boiled
New England Dinner. He would ask her what coffee blends she prefers
and she says, "There is more than Maxwell House?" He asks her what
appetizers she serves. She says "Don't go much for those." He
suggests she try pate mousse rolled in curls on rye toast. She gives
him a glazed donut. He pounds on the table.

2.) The blond guy presses on Liz's mouth, "C'mon - just a little
smile?" She tells him to stop that.

3.) The guys visit the closed up west wing and laugh at all the old
antiques. The get a real chuckle at the glass case with a severed
head of Judas Zachary in it.
"Wow, that Liz is some dominatrix!" the
blond guy exclaims.

4.) The hair stylist, teasing and stretching Julia's hair, asks her
what brands of conditioners she favors. "There's more than Prell?"
she asks. He asks her how much rouge and mascara she goes
through in a week. He asks Barnabas why he is so pale.

5.) The guys find the party scene at The Blue Whale somewhat lacking.

6.) Reverend Trask screams at them homosexuality is an abomination.
They burst out laughing.

7.) Quickie close-up of one guy asking Maggie if she would dress in
leather and scream "Who's your mommy?" at him.

8.) "Sam, what kind of liqueurs do you favor?"
"Young man, if it gets me drunk, I favor ALL kinds of liquor!"

9.) The interior decorator says, "I find the old house very nice, lots of warm colors,
but that bedroom upstairs could really use a futon." Barnabas says he will
take the matter under consideration. "And how about knocking out that
bricked up wall in the basement?" To that, Barnabas strenuously
objects, claiming, "It does have a limited storage purpose."

10.) Roger says what a good time he has had and wants to join them.

If they arrived in 1967 they would have loved Carolyn's hair and her Dusty
Springfield "panda-eye" look.

Lorraine wrote:

Can you imagine the Fab 5 explaining the all-purpose term
"zhjooozhjing" to Victoria Winters?

Fab 5: Like, when you apply one of our exclusive all-natural herbal
mousses from Salon De Bauche to your hair. You just zhjooozhe it in.

VW: Will it make my hair bouncin' and behavin'?

Fab 5: Oh, girlfriend, at $65 for an 8 ounce bottle, it will bounce,
behave, do weight-training, Pilates AND get up at 5 AM to jog--- it'll
compete in the hair Olympics! Now, as for those sleeveless shifts---
dump 'em, right in the trash with all those orphanage-issue white
cotton BVDs we found. We'll take you on a shopping spree to Boutique
le Courtesan.

VW: Where's THAT?

Fab 5: We're going to Bangor.

VW: Bangor? I thought you boys didn't--- uh--- never mind. But
without my sleeveless shifts and white cotton dainties, what will I

Fab 5: We'll get you hooked on silk thongs. And then we'll get you
some slinky yet classic blouses and hip-hugging black linen capris.
Black linen is SO essential. And a blazer to match--- you zhjoozhe up
the sleeves for a casual yet seductive look.

VW: That's the second time you used that word. Zhjoozhe. It sounds
like "Zhjooosette." How can you zhjoozhe up hair and zhjoozhe up
sleeves? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!

Eric wrote:

> I don't know what 'zhjozhjing' is, but I don't think Vicki would have a
> problem with it because she used to say "Zhosette."

Lorraine replied:

Zhjooozhjing apparently means to ruffle (hair) or scrunch (sleeves).

Zhjosette's hair, clozhje, and eye got zhjoozhed when she zhjumped off
Widowzhe Hill, but not in a fazhjioanble way.


The boys take one look at Joe in that red flannel jacket and give him an
immediate makeover, because, "the undead have personal stylists and this poor
child is stuck with Pa Walton's leftovers." Carson (the blonde guy) spends an
inordinate amount of time rubbing Joe's abs and accidentally brushing against
his crotch.

Adam is taught to apply concealer on those pesky scars, but no matter how much
they ask him to, he refuses to say, "FIRE BAD!!! FIRE BAD!!!!"

Cyrus asks for a makeover, but Kyan has a private conversation with him and
helps him realize that he's been gay all along, he's in love with Quentin, and
he only goes out as John Yaeger to shield his masculinity issues. Quentin is
happy for his friend until he has to go break up Carson and Roger's catfight
over the last ascot left in the bargain bin.

Julia is outraged to learn that Carson may actually make more faces in the
space of an hour than she does.

The boys are puzzled by their sudden need to interject "I don't understand"
into every other sentence.

Laura shows up and Carson immediately says to the camera, "This is 2003...NO
FLAMING JOKES, please!!!" Carson then offers to let her take David and Hallie
into the fire if she will just stop wearing so much eye makeup.

Carson goes on a tear when he sees Barnabas, because he heard that all male
vampires used oodles of hair gel and had abs to kill for. After realizing that
is only in Sunnydale and Los Angeles, Carson calms down, apologizes, and helps
Barnabas bleach those pesky smoker's fangs in order to win the heart of Maggie.

The boys have a major struggle on their hands when Mr. Best, Nicholas and
Angelique show up to make over Jeb for their new series, "Satanic Eye for the
Guy Who Will be Consigned to Eternal Hellfire". Mr. Best asks for some
desperately needed fashion help with Olivia Corey, Nicholas purrs at Kyan, and
Carson and Angelique have a very intense staredown. Finally, they all push Jeb
off Widow's Hill and decide to go have a long conversation with Pat Robertson.

Lorraine wrote:

Queer Eye On The Loomis Guy

Carson the fashion dude empties Willie's meager closet and is about to toss all the work shirts
and dungarees, when he spots the snug turtlenecks and tight pants.
"Maybe there's hope for you after all, boyfriend!" he trills.

Ted, the chef, notices the aprons. After making Willie model them, Ted recommends adding
cargo pockets for all the new cooking tools Willie's going to receive. Carson recommends sequins.

After checking out the old House's upstairs, the interior decorator, Thom, tells Willie he's taking him to
"Bed, Bath and Beyond."
Willie replies that, tired as he is, he'd really prefer the Bath FIRST !!!

Thom usually recommends LOTS of accent candles, but for once, he tells Willie maybe it's better
to cut back. He then visits Willie's woodworking shop. "Ooh, what a beautiful minimalist design for a
wine cabinet! Would you make ME one?" he asks, pointing eagerly to a long pine box in the corner.
Willie shrugs. "That AIN'T a wine cabinet, pal."

After inspecting the Old house kitchen, Ted approves of the huge old-fashioned brick oven,
and the fact that, without refrigeration, Willie has to go to market for fresh food like Europeans.
He checks the contents of several carafes in the parlor. "What kind of wine IS this?"
he asks anxiously.
Willie shrugs. "That AIN'T wine, pal."

Jai the culture guy ticks Barnabas off when he swipes his cane and teaches Willie to "vogue" with it.
He ticks Barnabas off even MORE when he teaches Willie to answer his boss by looking him right
in the eye and mimicking his accent.

Things get complicated, however, when Jai is suddenly posessed by
the ghost of Pansy Faye and starts singing "I Wanna Dance With Zhjooo" and wails,
"There's never anything like enough feather boas when you NEED them!"

"Who d'you think you are, Nathan Lane?" Carson snickers.

Kyan the hairdresser adds streaks to Willie's hair. He gives Willie a shorter haircut. After Kyan shows him
how to "zhjooozhe" in some expensive hair gel, Carson gets Willie dressed in some "ultra bling-bling"
vintage velvets. "Not every man could carry off that Buster Brown--- Uriah Heep look!" they exult.

Then they send Willie down to Barnabas for approval.
Barnabas takes one look, mutters "Carrrrlll..." and passes out.

Fed up, Barnabas gets the Fab Five together and turns them all into his Brides.
It doesn't work out too well, though---

Carson thinks white silk organdy makes him look fat. And as for the veil--- "I'm about as much
'like a virgin' as Madonna!"

Kyan hates the curly, poufy, ratted and sprayed hair-dos--- "I feel like one of the Supremes!"
Carson snaps, "You mean the Lennon Sisters!"

Ted shudders at the thought of Willie cooking dinner without his recipes. "Ack, he'll probably
bring us all HAMBURGERS! And with that unchilled V-8 from the parlor!"

Jai, who thought Thom had taken care of the bedrooms and bathrooms, wonders why they're stuck
in a room with 200-year old upholstery and carpets, and wonders just where the heck the bathroom IS.

As for Thom, he hears Willie banging away in the workshop, and realizes that he's NOT making
them all personalized wine cabinets.....

>>"Six Feet Under" came to mind.

Why does this title sound like what you would call a good trap for Ray?
As in:

Amber: Psst, hey Ray, I know where you can find three gorgeous wimmens
with the most delectable feet ANYWHERE!

Ray (Salivating): Oh, Amber, next to you telling me what episodes Diana
Millay was on "Father Knows Best", you couldn't do me a bigger favor!
SHOW ME !! (pants and drools a lot)

Amber: What, Ray, are you really from MISSOURI?

Ray: No, from Massachussetts, with all my 5th and 6th French-Canadian
cousins, and my Mom old boyfriend, Tim Gord----

Amber (wearily): Yeah, yeah, yeah, if I want to hear all THAT again,
I'll look it up on Gooooogle.
NOW, Raybee-babee, you see that big open pit yonder?

Ray (kind of nervous): What, is this a CEMETERY? Hey, you don't mean
DEAD wimmen's feet, do you?

Amber: NO, Ray, we hired Ex-Centerfold Basement Diggers' Union members
to make a really FABULOUS mudbath. They just put it underground, you
know, so nobody would get SUNBURNED. They've finished, and now they're
down there, squooshing their tootsies in the ooze, just waiting for YOU
to join them!

Ray: WOW! Are any of them Playboy centerfolds? You KNOW that reminds
me of sexy, talented---

Amber: Yeah, right, whatever, Ray. I think we even got "Miss July"
from "Podiatrists' Monthly".
GO GET 'EM, TIGER!!! And make it snappy--- you wouldn't BELIEVE what
those honeys charge for OVERTIME.

(Ray jumps in without another thought.)

Ray (voice muffled) : Hey, Amber, where are the Centerfolds? Where are
their FEET?

Amber (to bulldozer crew, all sweaty burly Teamsters): Okay, boys, fill
'er in.

Ray (terrified): Hey !!! What are you doing?

Amber: Oh, don't worry, Ray o' Light. Just follow that tunnel down
there. Plenty of food, water, candles, TP, and, while the Centerfolds
weren't available, the local chapter of the Anita Bolster Look-Alike and
Bunion Buddies Club WAS. Have yourself a good time down there, Ray,
until I get back from my vacation---- THREE WEEKS !!!!

Forever, Amber
(who will surely stew in the barbecue pit of Hades for this)


Definitely, Collinsport's funeral industry could have a commercial
jingle for the local monument works:

"Foam of Ages, carved with ease,
though they fall down in the breeze."

Joseph V. Borejko" wrote:

>> The Clothes you wear at Death Remain on the Buried Body. Perhaps your
>> Spirit Form Being can assume any Clothing Attire you Wish.
>> "The Ghost of Sarah Collins" <Sarah1795@worldnet.att.net>
>>> > I can understand once one has crossed to this side of life the ills of
>>> > their former lives cease to follow them, although I was not aware a new
>>> > wardrobe went along with it... I retain the same garments I wore when
>> placed
>>> > within my tomb...
>>> >
>>> > The Ghost of Sarah Collins (1784-1795)
>>> > Sister to Barnabas...@}{~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I don't quite recall this detail--- When Barn was rummaging through his trunks
and found one of Sarah's dresses, and Sarah appeared soon after, didn't she
exclaim that was her favorite dress? Or had he just said that she had been
buried in her favorite dress? (Since these episodes were B&W, it would have
been hard to tell which dress Sarah was wearing at any given time, as they
both appeared to be one style.)

(I respectfully assume that the primary reason most people don't bury their
children in the child's favorite clothes is because the garments are often
stained or damaged, usually having been play clothes or casual. Even if the
child never wore a suit or dress in life, they often feel compelled to provide

In any case, the DS universe was inconsistent about this kind of thing.
(Well, many such productions are. In "Beetlejuice", the spirits could change
costumes for special occasions,
but apparently had to return to whatever they were wearing at the time of
death, no matter how messy, for everyday use.)

In the beginning of the 1897 storyline, Beth wore the white wedding-dress-type
gown, presumably having been buried in it. Of course, at that time, nobody
(probably not even the writers at this point) were aware of her social
status. Later, she was never seen in it, just her blue maid's uniform. Maybe
we are to assume that she had such a treasured dress stowed away, but she
never wore it again, even to impress Quentin.

(The costume must have had to go back to the suppliers who rented it out, and
might not have been available afterward. Still, you'd have thought they would
have something similar to offer: "One generic ivory-colored Late-Victorian
dress, please." )

As a suicide (whether she poisoned or shot herself, or, as she ended up doing,
flung herself over Widow's Hill), and just a member of the working class, it
doesn't seem likely that Beth's corpse would have been outfitted for burial in
such finery (as wealthy Josette had been.) The truth is, she would have been
wrapped up in a sheet as she was, put into a cheap casket, and any of her
good property sold by her employers to pay for her burial (since she
apparently had no family to do so.)

In that case, Beth's appearance in the white dress must have been a function
of her deepest wishes being partially fulfilled in the afterlife. Jenny's
appearance in HER good clothes might have been, too, but one assumes Magda and
Sandor would have seen to it that her burial was done with a modicum of their
concept of dignity and Gypsy custom. Maybe they even buried her in that
dress, though passing as a gadjo was what got Jenny in trouble in the first
place. If Magda had instead buried her sister in some of HER cast-offs, one
might see why Jenny wished to appear to Quentin as she must have when they
first met.

In the film HoDS, and in fact many older vampire-themed films, I have always
wondered why most of the female vampires usually appeared in white nightgowns,
while the men are most often dressed to the nines (in whatever style of their
time of death.) Today's female vampires seem content to appear in street
clothes, or at least, not filmy lingerie. (I think it would be cool if a
female vampire showed up in flannel PJs and big fuzzy slippers.)

Was Carolyn in HoDS supposed to have been buried in that gown with those wild
bat-wing sleeves? I rather think NOT, but was that how she would have LIKED
to appear in some afterlife? Or did she appear as her potential victims
WANTED her to, or as they had been conditioned to imagine vampire ladies were
EXPECTED to? Or did was white a favorite because, for some reason, it always
looks more suggestive when a female vampire is staked, and bleeds all over a
white garment? (Ewewewew, I'm not going any further with that train of

In any case, whether Carolyn was buried in the gown or not, that's what they
found her wearing when she was caught. (Maybe she ordered it, or had Willie
call it in to Frederick's of Fangwood, or Vampiria's Secret? Over-day
delivery and all that.
Satis-fang-tion guaran-teethed.)

(In this case, Angelique's "sexy white nightgown of death" in NoDS doesn't
count. Aside from the question of whether she was "just" a witch, or some
kind of vampire variation, she WAS executed while wearing that gown, and her
disposed of while still in it. In THAT DS dimension, it was part of her
basic persona. Maybe she had a closetful of the things. They never showed
her wearing the red dress in the portrait--- though she apparently did in the deleted

Jimy wrote:
A very funny analysis. You could give the analysis, microphone in
>> hand, standing in front of the Leviathan altar.
>> graemecree@aol.compost (Graeme) wrote in message news:...
>>> > When Presidential candidates give campaign speeches, they're always dissected
>>> > by the press. Since Oberon's bunch is working on taking over the world, and
>>> > probably America too, I think his words need the same kind of attention.

>>>>> > >>Oberon: The past is but the beginning of the beginning,

>>> > Oh man, that is HEAVY! I feel like toking up already.

"This is Graeme Cree, embedded Leviathan reporter for the Collinsport Network News, coming to you from
somewhere deep in the forest near Collinwood. OR the 5th Dimension--- hey, I got here by following
Barnabas through a portrait, so unless you hear someone singing "Aquarius" or "Up, Up, and Away", we'll
have to ASSUME it's in the woods near Collinwood.

"I'd draw you a map on the ground, but that might give our position away, and it would be annoying as Hell
to be forced to join that damn Geraldo in Kuwait. When he gets really plastered, he starts whining about
knocking down walls in Capone's cellar and finding zilch. Shoot, maybe we can lure him to the cellar of
the Old House... Only instead of him busting open a wall, we can brick him up INSIDE, and have him try to
get out. Now, THAT would be a ratings blockbuster!

"ANYWAY, this broken stone structure here (bad, bouncy phone-cam image of huge greenish indefinite object
split in two, composed of tiny squares) , an altar, which we believe was destroyed by heavy lightning
rounds, was recently used to initiate Mr. Collins into a peculiar cult apparently dedicated to some
multi-headed snake (more shaky phone-cam pix, with serpentine motif reduced to squares), where both women
AND men wear veils over their faces, and recite ominous, suggestive, yet completely silly incantations.

I personally have discovered a manuscript on this site (whitish checkerboard-square pattern on phone-cam)
with the antiphonal invocation to the Lords of the Leviathan, surprisingly, written in English and, in
fact, type-written, and badly, too--- I believe this "Samhall" whose name appears on the front, was an
ancient priest of the cult. There are tiny marginal scribblings about "damn chpskt. DanC" and "pkup
Gray's masc.at Rxll" which may be instructions for the ritual.
I will now read the text to you, and give
my interpretation----"

Ruins! Ruins! Ruins!
...They could pass for postcards from Collinsport!

Have a look at this site:


You'll see:
***The orphanage Vicki Winters SHOULD have grown up in
***A couple of asylums that now feature PLENTY of sunlight and fresh
air, not to mention "artwork" by the youngsters in the area
***A morgue to die for
***What the boatyard near the Collins cannery probably looks like these
***Want to make a home your very own? Several "fixer-uppers" featured
***A foundry that looks like a mausoleum


I thought to share this little filk I posted on the DS NG for those who don't mess with it.... It takes a strong mind and sometimes a strong stomach. It's not a Willie song (I've made several in the past, but haven't had an inspiration lately, but included the explanation:)

To console anyone who still feels s/he needs consolation over the apparent rejection of the new DS by the WB, I have copped the theme song from one of their former teeny-slopper hits, sung by the WB chanteuse with the fuzziest pits.

But seriously, folks---- This is serious. But I'd like audience participation. I need all you to sing the "doo-doo-doo-doo" parts.

With all apologies to Paula Cole (like she hasn't enough problems already, what with no new chart-toppers since the late 1990's and no more Lilith Fair, either):

She looks out her windows at night,
and prays her plans will work out right.
To find the strength to stop the lies,
And see love and peace in her girls' eyes....

In the falling snow she wept
on the orphanage's doorstep
with a large basket on her arm.
Checked the note taped on the handle,
quickly rang the doorbell,
then ran to hide.
She hoped the babe inside
would come to no harm---
And prayed that someday
she'd reclaim her daughter....

Elizabeth had to wait
until her parents passed over,
So she could send support
with their money.
Then she had to wait
for twenty years to be over,
She paid the price so
she wouldn't lose her Vicki....

Then she found a husband
and had another baby girl
by the spring of forty-nine.
Her husband planned to leave them high and dry,
With her valuables, he'd fly.
Her poker's blow,
Jason swore none would know,
Guilt made her mourn and pine---
Her girls would never know their fathers....

Elizabeth had to wait
for half her life to be over,
before Carolyn could meet Vicki.
Now frozen with self-hate,
she might just let her life be over,
from fear of telling the whole story....

How could she explain to them
the price you sometimes pay
for living just in the moment?
And mistakes their mother made
with this father and that father....
Could they avoid similar fates--- But how?

Elizabeth had to wait
for twenty years to be over,
To learn how hard the answers could be.
Time is running late,
Her strange procrastination
for which, someday, she might be very sorry....

She looks out her windows at night,
and prays her plans will work out right.
To find the strength to stop the lies,
And see love and peace in her girls' eyes....

Some of you who attended this year's event may have picked up this amusing little hand-out. For those who did neither, I present:

The Top Ten Reasons the WB's New "Dark Shadows" Was Shelved
by Tom and Maggie Restivo

10) Willie Loomis brings his wife, a former NYPD detective, and her partner, and *her* son and his lover and....

9) New opening shot involves cul-de-sacs, swimming pools, and bikinis, bikinis, bikinis !

8) New governess from Queens comes to Collinwood, selling cosmetics, and falls in love with Roger...

7) Collinsport has a Wal-mart.

6) Rev. Trask has seven children, including one who keeps talking to God.

5) The West Wing includes spirits, vampires, secret doors, and Martin Sheen cursing in Latin.

4) The East Wing's Parallel Time Room now contains a Stargate, and Liz Stoddard has to serve tea and crumpets to all the military and Go'ulds constantly traipsing through Collinwood.

3) "Oh, come on, we'll make Maggie the 'Collinsport Stalker', and one by one, we'll have a freaky death, and...."

2) "You BETRAYED me !!!" replaced by "Bitch set me UP !!!"

And the NUMBER ONE reason "Dark Shadows" was shelved is:

1) Quentin's gramophone in the West Wing plays the "Enzyte" music; Josette's music box plays that "Six Flags" jingle !!!


And the greatest shock didn't come
from monsters or killing;
But when a certain vampire was caught
exploring his nostril filling.

Even a slimy Naga couldn't compete
with the next grossest thing,
The sight of two sexy characters'
kissing-spit string
Little Orphan Vicki

10-yr-old Vicki:
Maybe far way,
in the rocky state of Maine---

12-yr-old Sandy:
She may be swinging a poker,
He may be driving her insane...

Maybe in a Man-
Sion on a great big hill---

He may be sucking down brandy,
She may be sucking down pills...

Maybe they're smart---

Or maybe they're dumb---
Boozing with lumberjacks,
Sailors and scum...

So maybe they're evil ?

I figured they'd be...
Who else would choose winter
To drop off a baby?

Someday when I'm grown,
Maybe I'll understand
Why You'd EVER want to be THEIR baby....

Vicki (kindly and gently:)
Maybe she was scared,
Maybe he was mean,
Maybe their folks made
A Gosh-awful scene...
Maybe they've been here
And I didn't see---
Must be some good reason
No-one's adopted me !

Each morning I awake,
And hope that I will see
The nice folks who've been sending me money...

Sandy (speaks):
Do you really think it's your parents, Vicki?
Or at least somebody in your family?
To KEEP you from getting adopted until
they can come for you?


Teenaged Vicki:

My money will come tomorrow,
Always, forty dollars come from far,
Oh, on the first.
Just thinking about those dollars
Makes me think my secret parents
CAN'T be the WORST.

When I'm bored,
I just add up all the interest,
Or sometimes I'll splurge
On an Orbach's sleeveless dress---D'oh,

That money should come tomorrow,
Every month for sixteen years now,
Among these orphans,
I have clout !
Tomorrow, tomorrow,
My cash comes tomorrow,
Another month they can't throw me out !

I need a hard-knock governess,
A rough-and-tumble governess,
A gal who won't think it's doom
When I lock her in a room---
A hard-knock governess !

I need a sturdy governess
Who does more than nag and fuss---
She has to be tough as a nail
When the ghosts of widows wail---
A sturdy governess !

When I'm acting like the spawn of Satan,
And Sarah's ghost
Won't join me in my games,
Or my Mom wants to take me
On a magic journey--- through the flames...

When I'm so sad, mad, bored and lonely
That even Matt Morgan
Seems like a wise old friend...
When Josette's ghost fails to warn me---
Vicki comes through in the end !

Carolyn's screwing with some jerk,
And my poor Aunt's fighting Burke,
My Dad never cared for me a smidge,
'Til Vicki came from the orphanage,
A tough-love governess !

A rough-and-tumble governess..
A sturdy governess..
A tough-but-tender governess...
Vicki's a hard-knock governess !!!


Twenty years, there's a secret I've been carryin',
As I've traveled 'round the globe...
Now it looks like I'll soon be marryin'
The dame who's been payin'
To keep the truth untold.

Good for you, Jason, but what's the payoff for ME,
Maine ain't the state for bigamy...
I did your whackin' and your scarin'---
I should be sharin' --- Not the sex stuff,
But the money.

Now, Willie...
You know at the mansion
You're not welcome---
You scared the girls, you stole a brooch.
Five hundred dollars should get you to Jamaica---

Jamaica, QUEENS,
that's as far as that'll get me,
No ganja there, just a ROACH.

It's just not what you promised what would happen if we came to...

Collinwood, Collinwood,
You promised we would score, then we'd blow !
Now you say you're gonna stay,
while the Sheriff's after me to go.

Collinwood, Collinwood,
You get Liz and all her money as well.
I get Roger kicking my keyster
and telling me to go to Hell.

Willie, my boy....
You've been a true-blue companion for years,
And not to mention,
I'M still sometimes scared of you.
I'll try to up the Ante---
David's Anty will pay plenty
More to ease her daughter's fears.

BOTH of Lizzie's daughters, YOU mean---
That's for me to know, and you to guess---
But I'd give thrice that to keep you
from the graveyard, digging for buried treasure,
making a royal mess.

Opening up graves that are probably just full of
disgusting old bones and rags, anyway, are NOT why we came to:

Collinwood, Collinwood---
For now I'm sorry you came.
You fight in bars, you hotwire cars,
My fiancee holds me to blame.

You said this beat would lead to Easy Street,
To me, it's a one-way pass to Skid Row.... Don't you know.
I got a new scam, I gotta scram,
But first I'll stop at the local Home Depot....

Collinsport, How much I have missed you,
Your woods, your streets, your docks.
Collinsport, been almost two centuries,
Since Josette hit the rocks.

Now I've been set free to prowl at night,
To seek out a hot meal.
Ah, good, one's coming my way right now,
Time to make a deal...

Collinsport, oh boy, did my pimp lie---
Sailors are poor as mice.
Collinsport, should'a never left Bangor---
Cannery guys aren't into vice.

It's hard to make enough to pay the rent
And give my pimp his due,
A girl can't live on a five-buck trick each night---
Hey, I gotta EAT, too!

Collinsport, I'm leaving tomorrow,
If my luck don't change tonight.
Collinsport--- WAIT !! Look at that rich dude there !!
Suddenly, my future's bright.

Good night, my dear, I'm new in town,
In search of a bite and drink---

Hooker: (pulls B. behind some packing crates)
I know a great place, just step back here,
Buffet'll cost you fifty---- EEEEEEEEEEEK!!

Barnabas (emerges with blood dripping from lips)
Collinsport, I'm going to LIKE this---
Willie, cattle,
These sluts, until...
Josette returns... To Collinsport !


Elizabeth (to Carolyn and Vicki):
I hid in this mansion
for near twenty years---
Since I clobbered
Paul Stoddard
'tween his greedy ears...
Since then, we've almost
become the wrong men's wives,
And almost destroyed all our lives---

But before that, there was a child,
A pearl of great price I concealed.
This girl, who saved both our tails,
Will now hear the truth revealed...

Like a good daughter,
I went to business school.
Like a true Collins, I was love's fool...
The man was Rob Hanscomb,
Our maid Betty's bro---
The war killed him, before he could know....

Bet made it easy for me
To keep it from Mom and Pop.
She took my classes, and she wrote the note,
then made that orphanage drop...

Since then I've been paying
In cash and in shame,
For all my offenses
Against the Collins name...
But now it's all over, and our dreams have come true....
My eldest daughter... Carolyn's sister...
Victoria, it's YOU !!!

Barnabas (to Maggie):
You'll soon forget
You're not Josette....

But, Barn, she's so pale!

Well, she won't be my true bride
Without her veil...

That old gown's a bit loose,
Had to get her new shoes,
But the picture won't fail...
If that Ellsworth antique store has the right veil.

So that's all she'll be wearing?

Well, perhaps a sexy gown....
She'll have to 'bait the hook',
When she's 'fishing for a snack' after sundown...

Mmmmm..... The Luscious Joe and his Jennings cousins...

'Dilly-doo?' WTF---? Barnabas, I'm not sure this is gonna work...

No longer a waitress or drunk painter's child---
This plan will NOT fail !!!
She'll BE what I require,
A PERFECT mate for THIS vampire,
She'll be fully Josette,
With the right veil !!!

Think of the horrors, the true horrors the opening of a Walmart would inflict on Collinsport. All the local businesses on Main Street would shut down, save for a couple of tourist-trap antique and gift shops, and a few other specialty places. Roger and Liz would try to sell their canned products to Walmart, but in order to compete they would have to bid so low, they'd have to lay off half their employees, who would then get part-time jobs at WM, or the Super World-Class Big Y Mega-center. The rest of the employees would have to take a cut in pay and work 16-hour shifts, 7 days a week, like in Asia.

The diner at the Inn would close down; then the Inn itself would be turned into a homeless shelter, because of the new Quality Inn on the highway with the Ruby Tuesday and a Starbucks concession inside. Amy, David, Hallie, AND Carolyn would have to get part-time work at the new McDonald's, with Maggie as their supervisor. Mrs. Johnson would come in and ask for a sandwich with home-made mayonnaise. Maggie would serve her a McRib (which tastes almost as bad) and a dozen packets of Mayo.

Roger and Liz would have to sell a lot of the estate to Ned Stuart, who's become a condominium developer, but at a loss because of the problems and huge expense inherent in building on a sheer cliff like Widow's Hill. Soon, the project has to be abandoned. Ned sues the Collinses and wins. He guts the Great House, hoping to make it into a luxury hotel and amusement park.
However, this disturbs Parallel Time, which swallows him and the whole house into a black hole.

The Collinses end up moving into the Old House, which STILL has no utilities. The Collinsport health department, run by Julia Hoffman, demands that Barnabas finally install some plumbing and electricity. Julia doesn't care about Barnabas's problems anymore--- she's in cahoots with Mayor (former sheriff) Patterson, and they start sending out expensive contractors, to whom they owe favors, out to the place. They knock Willie out of the way and start tearing up the joint, before ditching it in the middle
of the night.

Barnabas would start trading stock on the internet, but because of his recurring vampire condition, he would be a night trader rather than a day-trader. It doesn't matter, before too long his companies are all indicted by the FTC, or go out of business. He loses everything except his coffin--- it's the only thing that's paid for. Then Willie discovers an E-Bay "store" that trades antique funeral goods. Someone puts a huge bid on the casket, and he and Barnabas buy out the rest of the Collinses.

Then Willie becomes the manager at the Walmart, and puts Roger to work as a stock-boy and collector of the shopping carts. Liz is forced to become a door-greeter. She gets into an ugly argument with Prof. Stokes when he trips the alarm at the exit. Seems the good Prof. somehow failed to pay for some women's underwear. Trouble is, they're not for Hallie (which would be peculiar enough.). They're from the Large'n'Lovely section--- they're HIS.

Angelique and Nicholas show up after a few years, looking for Barnabas. But this time, they can't find him, or anyone else. They don't recognize the former tiny fishing village.

"Damn it, Angelique," Nicholas says, surveying the anonymous suburban sprawl, the widend, but traffic-clogged, main roads, the chain stores, restaurants, hotel, tract homes and condos that obscure the view -- and breezes--- of the ocean. "We must have made a wrong turn in Southeast Hell."

"Well, YOU wouldn't stop to ask for directions!!" the blonde witch snapped. "Once a man, ALWAYS a man!" She looked around in consternation. "Where the blazes ARE we?"

Nicholas replied, "Somehow, my dear, we've ended up in NEW JERSEY !!"

Repost of the introduction... by-- who was that again? Oh, yeah, me...

Maybe a new round-robin saga could be started, based on the many lives and loves of DS's ubiquitous afghan.

"My life began one fine day in 1793 when Naomi Collins, seeking a useful yet creative way to occupy her youngest child, Sarah, bought the little girl a beautifully-carved ivory crochet hook, and several balls of the best merino wool, dyed in many novel colors.   She then proceeded to teach the delighted little girl an ancient pattern of stitches, to form a patchwork of small, rainbow-hued squares.

Naomi told her daughter, "My dear grandmother, whom, alas, you never met, but for whom you were named, little Sarah, taught me thus...  HER blankets lasted almost 100 years before they were finally beyond repair.  Who knows how long YOURS may last?"  
The Afghan ..This portion penned by: Sharon W

Sarah soon tired of her new project, however. Finding the endless repetition
(and having to sit still that long) boring. Other things soon caught her
attention over the next few years. Piano lessons, riding lessons, French,
sewing, causing her father, Joshua to throw his hands up in exasperation,

"What next, young lady?"

Sarah, not understanding her father's sarcasm said "I think I would like to
play the flute, Papa"

 This portion penned by: The Ghost of Sarah Collins

With great reluctance, and uncertainty Joshua relented to the will of his
youngest child's request... alas Joshua also understood his daughter's lack
of or inability to concentrate on anything other than playing with her
dolls, So it was with pride in his own ingenuity that Joshua bestowed the
task of instructing Sarah to play the flute in the trusty hands of his
eldest and first born son Barnabas.

   Not wishing to disrupt the harmony of his family or the humor of his
father, Barnabas was given no choice but to become Sarah's music teacher,
would his new pupil prove to be most distressing? Or would Barnabas' sweet
little sister demonstrate her musical talent.

This portion penned by: tracy a. trollinger

Only the year before Sarah's pet beagle, Grover had died and she had been
inconsolable until Barnabas had brought home a music box that played the
song 'London Bridge'.  Not surprisingly this became Sarah's favorite song.
So it was that this was the only song she wanted to play on her flute.  She
learned to play it very well but after a week of hearing nothing but 'London
Bridge' Joshua had had enough.  He knocked on Sarah's door early one

"I have a surprise for you my girl."
"What Papa?"
He pulled two long needles from his pocket and said.  "Would you do me the
honor of knitting something for me?"
"What would you like Papa?"
"Anything, my dear.  Anything, at all."

This portion penned by: Knockknee

Sarah ran upstairs and burrowed into her mother's hope chest, still full of
patterns and yarn from years ago when Naomi had outfitted herself for her
marriage. The patterns were hand-drawn on sheets of parchment paper, sorted
into scarves and gloves, tippets and shawls, waistcoats and stockings.
Sarah chose a scarf with long tassels at the ends. Then the wool: skeins of
thick coarse wool, knots of tatting cotton from France, and three beautiful
balls of blue mohair. She seized the mohair.  In her favorite hiding place,
closed into the window seat in her bedroom with the curtains pulled around
her, Sarah began to cast on the stitches for Papa's new scarf.

The scarf went well enough, and fast enough, to keep Sarah's attention.
There was little to do at Collinwood in the winter.  Sarah spent the hours
watching the scarf grow and grow.  As the spring leaves began to appear
outside, Naomi
helped Sarah make the tassels to trim the scarf, and Sarah's scarf for Papa

This portion penned by: Lorraine

Joshua wasn't the warmest of fathers, but his youngest surviving child
had made some inroads upon his heart.  And he WAS always pleased, in his
reserved way, when either of his children accomplished something, and
had done well.  His reception of the scarf was to be a memory both
carried for the rest of their lives--- his long one, and the girl's
short one--- for Papa rewarded his little Bird with a kiss on her cheek,
a rare event, indeed.

"You WILL wear it, Papa?  It's not too gaudy?"

"The very next chilly day, Sarah."

Sarah skipped a happy dance, and her serious Papa, for once, had a
twinkle in his dark blue eyes.

Though it was already spring, there WAS sure to be another chilly day in
Maine before long, and, indeed, the very next morning, Joshua, a man of
his word, wore the scarf, a very bright addition to his usual somber (if
well-tailored) garb.

Naomi, whose work with her daughter had inspired a long period of
sobriety, had been lavish of her praise of Sarah's handiwork.  Now, she
lavished praise upon her husband's appearance while wearing it (in
ever-blooming hopes of endearing herself to him again.)  Ditto, Barnabas
and Jeremiah, who requested similar scarves in time for their birthdays.

  Sarah blushed with pride.

Starchy Aunt Abigail, though approving of her little niece's work, was
never satisfied.  "A nice muffler would do ME a world of good," she
said, "but I think the child should finish the crocheted blanket she was
  working on before she knits another stitch."

Naomi, seeing Sarah's face fall, asked her domineering sister-in-law
why.  Joshua tended to stay out of these conflicts, but usually sided
with his sister.  However, for once, he remonstrated with Abigail.
"Sarah has plenty of time ahead of her to resume that, if she wishes."

Abigail pontificated, "Joshua, you SHOULD know by now, we NEVER know HOW
much time the Almighty will allot to us.  And, anyway, we will soon have
Barnabas's fiancee all the way from that HOT island--(this sounded
disapproving)--"and surely, she'll appreciate something to put on her
lap  next winter.  Then, there's the new governess coming... I was
always taught to do something thoughtful for those servants with whom we
work most closely."

Sarah protested, but shyly, "Aunt Abigail, with all respect, ma'am.
that's TWO blankets.  Plus I PROMISED Barnabas and Uncle Jeremiah

Abigail gazed upon the earnest child, and suddenly (and just as rarely
as Joshua's kisses), softened.  "You have a point, Sarah.  You should
keep your promises.  Oh, well, all you need do is crochet a couple more
rows for the afghan you already made, and I'LL make the other.  A plain
brown one, should be suitable for a governess."

Sarah, happy to have wrung a concession from her stern aunt (whose
domination of the household over her own Mama's, she had accepted but
never understood) piped up eagerly that she WOULD finish the blanket for
  the pretty Ma'am'selle Josette immediately, as it would also please
Barnabas.  And so she did; then got to work on those scarves--- incredible industry for the pampered little girl.

Abigail, meanwhile, ALSO a woman of HER word, created the brown blanket
quickly--- Mistress Wicke was expected within a couple of weeks.

Collinwood (sung to the tune of "Xanadu")


A place where nobody dared to go

The horror we came to know

They call it Collinwood


And now

Open your eyes, reveal

Vampires and ghosts are real

We are in Collinwood


A million ghouls are haunting

You have no pride

You scream and hide

An everlasting spell

Angelique's cursing me



Collinwood, Collinwood,

(now we are here)

In Collinwood

Collinwood, Collinwood,

(now we're in fear)

In Collinwood

Collinwood, your candlelights must shine

Or it's dark in Collinwood!


Cursed loves

Tragic echoes of long ago

You can't tell the world you know

They are in Collinwood


Bad dreams

That may last a million years

The blood and the terror and tears

All part of Collinwood


Zombies and werewolves pounce

Soon you're in a grave

But you'll be saved

An everlasting spell

From Nicholas, Petofi,

Or some Gypsy....


Collinwood, Collinwood

(now we are here)

In Collinwood

Collinwood, Collinwood

(now we're in fear)

In Collinwood


Now that I'm here

Now sunset's near

In Collinwood,

Now night-time's here

Now Evil's near in Collinwood

Collinwood, Collinwood,


Dedicated to Scott Michaelss Dearly Departed Tour--- 2005


Death Tour, intriguing and new,

Come aboard,

Scott's been expecting you!


Death, life's inescapable end,

But it can be weird, wild,

and even wacky, friend!


The Death Tour

soon will be making another run.

The Death Tour

promises something for everyone.


Set a course for murder sites,

Or suicides from failed romance.

Or oldsters faded from limelight,

Or wanna-bes who never had a chance...


Death won't scare you, you'll see---

'Cause subjects of  the Death Tour

live for eternity---




(apologies galore to Paul Williams, Charles Fox &

the lovely and talented Jack Jones)


So this would-be producer goes to pitch his idea for a new daytime serial to some TV execs in the mid-1960s.


"I gotta sure-fire concept, you'll love it!"


"Another soap opera, how boring," the execs yawn.  "Infidelity, illegitmacy, and class conflict.  So what the hell else is new?"


"No, this is really different!"


"Oh, okay, you have 10 minutes or less to sell us on what's so special about YOUR soap opera."


"Well, first see, here comes this hot orphan on a train, up to this small town fulla kooks, to find out who her folks are.  The old lady who hired her has hung around the house in glamorous dresses for 18 years and fights with her brother, while her daughter's whoring it up go-go dancing at the local sailor bar.  The brother's son is a nutjob who talks to a painting and sabotages his daddy's car, because his Mom's a pyromaniac who also happens to be his great-grandmother who ALSO scootched his great-uncle, and his great-great uncle.  Hundreds of years of scootching guys in the same family, and torking up her kiddies. 


Meanwhile the old lady's been busy, keeping her husband where she can always find him--- buried in the cellar in a trunk!  And then, she almost gets a second hubby, who's a crook, and his loony psycho buddy who could give those "In Cold Blood" boys a run for the money.  But instead, this genius busts into a tomb and what happens?  Fwoop, a hand shoots out and grabs him by the throat.  Next thing you know, there's a sexy vampire guy nipping and sucking some hot young babes dry and keeping one as a personal snackbar and future bride--- While keeping the town buzzing about what the hell's up with the guy who let him loose, who now lives with him and wears an apron!


Then before you know it, some plain-jane lady doc shows up and wants to cure the vampire and be his lust slave.  In short, the whole enchilada--- HIS enchilada, snicker-snicker.   But all he wants from her is his meds, and soon he's after the hot orphan governess who came to town, but she just doesn't understand.  Then who should show up but a real bitch, I mean, witch, who's not only married to the vampire but now to his cousin, who happens to be his great-great-great-great-great grandnephew.  Or something.  Anyway, SHE'S hot too, everyone wants her--- except vampire hubby.  Dumbass.


Then before you know it, these people are robbing graves and traveling around in time, and meeting up with other sexy beasts like werewolves, zombies, ghosts and frankenstein monsters who mainly dig killing hot babes.  And a hydra-headed slime critter who once ruled the earth but now just wants to do the nasty with a hot blonde, namely the slutty daughter of the lady of the house.  And a guy who's a wimp but takes some dope and turns into a rapist with ugly shoeshine hair and Snidely Whiplash mustache.  Kinda like Jack Palance, knowaddeyemean?


And pretend gyspies wearing the most blackface since Al Jolson and over-the-top accents that would give Maria Ouspenskaya agita.  And repressed, horny, incestuous, murdering preachers and their repressed, horny, incestuous, murdering families.  Plus we'll have mad doctors AND an afghan that transcends time.  The fanatic religious people, the real Gypsies, the AMA and little old ladies who crochet afghans will team up and storm the studio for sure!   A little devil worship, some stabbings, shootings, hangings, and poisonings--- Even a beheading!  And curses galore--- it'll be a HIT, I promise!"


The TV execs, their eyes glazing over, wail, "That is the sickest, most  ****ed-up idea for a TV show EVER!  We LIKE it!  What's it called?"


"The Dark Shadowcrats."



Is The Beam like The Force in Star Wars?

If so, doesn't that mean Darth Vader has to be your real Dad?

The ultimate DS / SW x-over has yet to be written. Like, old Darthy appears to Willie.


W: "Oh, damn, why do big evil dudes in black cloaks always have to appear to ME?


DV (in JamesEarlJones voice, of course:) Willie, I have something to tell you!


W: You mean you're not going to grab me by the throat and suck my blood or shoot me or put me under a spell or give me electroshock or sedatives or make me dig up graves or stake other vampires or---


DV: No, young man. I have wonderful news and a great legacy for you. Willie, or perhaps I should use your real name, Liam--- I am your FATHER!


W: Whah-ah-aht? Whaddayah talking about, my folks came from Brooklyn and I grew up in a foster home-slash-brothel-slash-crack house run by drunken drug addicted gun-runners.


DV: Hmmph! It figures, those were your MOTHER'S cousins. You are one of triplets, and when you were all born, I had joined the Dark Emperor and so your mother Padme panicked and gave you kids away like kittens. Your sister Leia was raised by a king with a demented hairdresser. I blew up her crappy planet and she STILL cops a 'tude with me! Your brother Luke was raised by farmers who wouldn't let him go to school or even date, until I mercifully incinerated them. It didn't work---now I hear Luke's run off with Chewbacca. But that's okay--- until he learned the truth, he almost made out with his SISTER!


And even though you were the cutest one, with the pouting lip, falling forelock, and blue eyes, your mother sent YOU to her low-rent criminal relatives on Earth. 'Because OB-Wan and Yoda said he'd be safest there.' Crap, that advice must have really come from JAR-JAR. I swear Padme and Jar-Jar had something going on behind my back, but YOU look the most like ME, so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. And so I offer you power, riches, kingdoms...WOMEN... far beyond your wildest dreams, my lad.


W: Cool, that's better than I had with Jason. With him, it was score a couple 100 smackers here and there, and all I'd get was enough for cheap beer and cheap hookers. Let's get crackin'.


DV: What? You WANT to go? You're not going to offer me a million wussy virtuous reasons why you don't want to do evil or take advantage of the weak, or enslave entire planets, like your siblings?


W: Hell no. I had to be the slave of a VAMPIRE, for Pete's sake. I admit I worked to keep him from hurting some people I liked, but he doesn't need me anymore, and the people I helped never appreciated it! It'll be a blast to be the slav-ER rather than the slave-EE for a change, if yah catch my drift.


DV: And do you have anyone in mind for your first slave, Liam my dear boy?


W: Let's start with my old Mast-- I mean, boss.... Barnabas Collins. Won't he FREAK when he sees ME in a big black cloak, shaking one of those glow-in-the-dark canes in HIS face! And then this lady Doc that was helping him--- would you believe that when HE wanted to let me leave town, SHE bitched and complained about it? She's the one who let me get shocked and drugged up at her crappy hospital, too!


DV: Why, we'll just freeze her in a big box of carbonite, son. AND your boss.


W: I dunno, that might not bother HIM too much. He already spent almost 200 years in another box.


DV: How about letting Jabba the Hutt slime him to death in his undulating blubber?


W: Isn't that like a Leviathan? Barnabas isn't afraid of stuff like that.


DV: Well, we'll send him to the Ewok planet, Endor. They'll CUTE him to death. Yeeeccch, I get ITCHY just THINKING of those little squeaky, smelly cousins of Care Bears!


W: Now THAT sounds pretty horrible. And then, after we finish off Barnabas and Julia, um--- can I call you Dad---


DV: Er, I always had a fancy to be called "Poppydarth"--- What ELSE do you want?


W: LOVE slaves, Poppydarth, THREE of them, all real babes---- Maggie, Vicki, Carolyn.... Hubba-hubba! Shwiiiinnngg....


DV: Oh, son--- I can SEE the Force is Strong with you!


W: Oh, Poppydarth, you've given me A New Hope!"


And so the saga begins....