Lorraine's DS NG filks and semi-humorous stuff.

To be sung to the tune of "One Tin Soldier" (theme from "Billy Jack")
 
 Listen, children, to a story
 written 40 years ago
about a mansion on a mountain,
and the harbor folk below.
There was a treasure near the mansion,
 buried beneath a tombstone,
and a thief named Willie Loomis swore
he'd have it for his very own.

That very night he went a'prowlin',
toolbag held tight in his arms.
Nobody missed him at the mansion,
they were fed up with his dubious charms.
At the graveyard, Willie struggled,
but soon thought he'd cause to gloat,
till a hand wearing an onyx ring
reached out and grabbed him by the throat!
 
Barnabas bit foolish Willie,
Locked poor Maggie away from her friends.
He did it in the name of Josette,
the means justified by the ends.
If someone with a stake and hammer shows up,
it'll be Barn's Judgement day.
On the bloody morning after,
One cruel vampire has to pay!

V.O.S.R.

========================================================================

Subject: Return of the filkster! (Was: Re: Matthew's cottage)
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 13:33:42 -0400
From: Lorraine
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

GhostWriter wrote:

> On Sun, 14 Oct 2001 17:51:54 GMT, eedit@carroll.com (Eric Newman)
> wrote:

> >On 14 Oct 2001 16:13:46 GMT, bigred37920@aol.com (Bigred37920) wrote:
What a renovation!!! From Matthew's humble cottage to Laura's comfy digs!
WOW!
Why can't Liz stick Jason and Willie in the cottage if she objects to
their presence at Collinwood? 
Because Jason insisted on a room at the Hotel Collinwood.

-----------------------------------------
On a dark ocean highway,
salt wind in my hair,
rotten smell of dead lobsters
rising up through the air.
Up ahead in the distance
I saw flickering lights.
My head grew heavy
and my wits grew dim
so I stopped for the rest of my nights.
As I stood on the granite doorstep,
I could hear the big hall clock's knell.
And I was thinkin' to myself,
"This can't be Heaven,
It's more likely Hell."

But Mrs. J answered my knocking,
When Liz saw me, she was like ice.
And she said, "Because of you,
I'm a prisoner here of my own device."
I said, "Tough luck, dear lady,
I don't care in the least.
Put me and my mate up.
If you don't, I warn you,
he can be a very beast!"

Next thing I remember,
Willie was running out the door.
He was headed for the cemetery,
Something he'd not done before!
He heard some heartbeats
calling from an old painting. . .
When he came back home,
he was pale and fainting, oh---

Welcome to the Hotel Collinwood---
Such an evil place,
full of sin and old disgrace.
There's 40-plus rooms at the Hotel Collinwood---
But, please, DON'T stop by,
Unless you WANT to die. . .

===================================================

Lorraine
From - Wed Jun 23 23:31:10 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Re: Filksong #2 -- Grease Strikes Again!

I was thinking about "Worse things" today in work. Maybe we should
have TWO versions--- one for Real Time Angie, and one for the Parallel
Time edition.

Here's what I came up with:

There are worse things I could do,
Than cast a spell or two.
In-laws at Collinwood think
I'm a gold-digger and no good.
Yes, that's definitely true,
And there ARE worse things I WILL do!

I'll curse that traitor Barnabas,
Shatter Josette's world just like glass,
Run Ben Stokes 'round like a wheel,
Grind Vicky Winters 'neath my heel,
There's no stopping me, it's true;
Even dead, I still have work to do.

Barn now chases blood at night,
His sister died from cold and fright.
Trask's tearing the town apart,
Barn bit another dock tart,
All to avenge my broken, shriveled heart.

I'll hurt more innocents, you see,
in my spite and jealousy,
For I was USED! How much I cried!
So I'll keep stealing, and I will lie!
No regrets shall I accrue!I face a threat from 1692,
Diablos's dirty work I will do!
V.o.S.R.
=======================================
Ode to David Selby (Nov. 1999)
(Based on "Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes")

I just gotta tell ya,
"Quentin's" one hunky fella---
Just askthe ladies of the DS NG,
They know love grows
where David Selby goes,
as any red-blooded woman can see.

He looks great in a sweater,
his wavy hair's gone salt-and-pepper.
Lean, tall and straight,
his eyes blazing' blue!
We know love grows
where David Selby goes,
After thirty years, it's still true!

There's something about him
reading his poem,
makes us feel at home,
though his charms have us near-fainting!
It's just as if a strong magic spell
keeps him looking so swell---
Is it C. D. Tate's painting?

Even wearing reading glasses,
"Quentin" still wows the lasses.
His enduring appeal holds no mysteries.
You see, love grows
Where David Selby goes---
It's God's handiwork, not Count Petofi's!

=======================================
From - Sat Aug 14 15:26:52 1999

Date: Sat, 14 Aug 1999 15:26:52 -0400
From: "V.o.S.R."

(The following is to be sung to the tune of "The Good Book"
by Melanie:)

We're good little DS fans,
Out on our own.
We
've come to the Festival,
We
feel it's just like home.
We've
've fallen in love
With all DS stars,
Who'll happily welcome us,
Even if we act like nutbars.

We'll get some programmes
With pictures and names.
We'll line up for hours
For the guys and the dames.
We'll j
oin in a Q and A,
Or wear a costume,
And we'll
visit the sponsors
In the Dealers' Showroom.

(bridge)
I'll buy a video, you buy a mug,
maybe John Karlen will give us a
hu-u-u-ug. . .

Well, it's tough that the hotel rooms
Aren't all that cheap---
And it's rough that the volunteers
Are suffering lack of sleep---
But we'll buy Roger's T-shirts
And some PomPress books.
And we'll marvel together
At Lara's and Kathryn's looks.

Let's give a hand for Pierson and Staff,
Send Dan Curtis kudos.
If it wasn't for DS, Sci-Fi,
And MPI videos. . .

We would all feel alone
Without Collinwood as home,
So come on down to the Festival,
And become one of our own!
===================================

> From - Fri Nov 13 00:47:21 1998
From: "V.O.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Sexiest Undead '98

(Cue in DS intro music)
(A hot summer's night at Collinwood. The Great Clock in the foyer
strikes. Victoria Winters, who's been standing on an upstairs balcony,
goes inside to wake Julia, Carolyn, and Maggie.)

Vicki: Come on, guys, it's midnight! Hurry or you'll miss it!

(The trio tumbles into the hallway in their robes, and follow Vicki to
the balcony. All gaze down at the patio, where a bat lands, and
transforms into Barnabas. He doesn't notice them; he holds his cape
out, as though he's concealing something large. Another victim?

The ladies begin to pant as he opens his cape slowly to reveal
a sixpack of Diet Coke. They become ecstatic, as he pulls the cape off,
and reveals that he is dressed in jeans and a tank top.)

Barn: It's such a hot night, like those nights in Martinique. It
brings on SUCH a raging thirst!

(The gals darn near fall over as he takes his shirt off, punctures a can
with his fangs, and begins to drink slowly.)

Carolyn: Wow. . . I wish I was that can.
Maggie: Me, too. I mean, three.
Julia: I'd beat you BOTH to it. With His cane! Vicki, this is the
greatest! How can we ever thank you?
Vicki: Oh, I'm not the only one you should thank. . .

(A shimmering image begins to form on the balcony beside the group.
Angelique emerges, and takes her place at the rail with the others,
wearing a naughty smile.)

Ange: Yes, ladies, I'm SO glad I let Vicki talk me into altering
Barnabas's curse. This beats the Hades out of watching him
bite yet another screechy bar girl, and wearing one of those
BORING three-piece suits. This reminds me of those nights in
Martinique. . .
Vicki: Now, isn't it better to work WITH us, rather than AGAINST us?
Ange: Yes, sisterhood IS powerful. Especially when the sisters are
watching one BLAZING dude!
Julia (high-fives Angelique): You GO, girlfriend!

(They continue to watch Barnabas go through all six cans.)
(Fade out, and DEEEEEP Voice-over DS theme:)

"Just for the TASTE of it. . ."

V.o.S.R.
(she of the wicked, wicked ways)
========================================

 
From - Sat Mar 13 23:49:58 1999
From: "V.O.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: A new housekeeper at C'wood
SCENE: Collinwood at midnight.

Elizabeth paces back and forth in front of the fireplace, and wringing her hands.
The first thing one notices is that her nails are all about a half-inch long,
and iridescent red. Professor Stokes sits, watching her, adjusting his pince-nez.

HIS nails are short, but perfectly oval, and quite shiny.

Liz: Oh, Professor, it's all happening again, those terrible night
attacks on the young women in town. I'm worried about Carolyn, Vicky,
and Maggie all over again, and our new housekeeper hasn't returned yet
from shopping at Seven-Eleven.

Prof: Elizabeth, Seven-Eleven closes at eleven. (The Great Clock
chimes) It's after 12, now!

Liz: That's EXACTLY why I'm worried!

Prof: Good Lord, why did you send her out, then?

Liz: Well, she's not too experienced as a housekeeper just yet, but she's up and running almost 24 hours a day. And anyway, she forgot to buy milk this afternoon.
I need it for all the tea she makes that
we never get around to drinking, once we start in on the brandy.

Prof: Yes, it's just not the same since Mrs. Johnson eloped with Willie.

Liz: We should have expected something of the kind. She was after him from day one--- all those cozy little visits to the Old House to trade recipes for boiled dinner and chowder! And now, she's gone, and he's gone, and Barnabas just never seems to be at home during the day anymore. Julia's so worried, she's run out of sedatives three times this week. She says her "connection", I mean drug supplier, was shut down by the FDA. Or was it, arrested? Maybe they carry sedatives at
Seven-Eleven.

(Julia enters, her head hung low. But her nails are a gorgeous opal shade.)
Julia: Has anyone seen Barnabas tonight? I finally have
some--er--sedatives for him.

Liz: No, but Elliot and I have been discussing the recent attacks. The new housekeeper is late coming home from the store. Are the other girls safe?

Julia: Yes, they're all upstairs in Carolyn's room, having a "slumber party",
and painting their finger and toe-nails. Aren't they rather OLD for a slumber party?

Liz: Well, they can't do anything until their nails dry.

Prof: You DID make sure the crucifixes were hung on their windows, Julia?

Julia: Yes, though I broke a nail doing it. Darn, I'll have to get the new housekeeper to fix it when she gets home.

Liz: She's not much of a housekeeper, but she DOES do such gorgeous--

Julia: Pretty---

Prof: Beauty-ful work on our nails.

(Carolyn comes into drawing room in her nightgown---her nails are as yellow
as her hair. Maggie's are lime green. Suddenly, something
crashes against the door. Vicky runs to open it, then backs off and
blows on her nails, which are a blinding silver, matching her toenails.
Banging continues, and Professor opens it with a grunt of annoyance. The
new housekeeper, a small woman with a dark bob of hair, and wearing a
plaid smock with tiny embroidered feet on the front, almost falls in.
The Professor and Julia walk her to the couch.)

Liz: Ms. Swann! My God, what's happened to you! (points to bleeding puncture wounds in the housekeeper's neck.)

Ms. Swann: Oooh, I tell you, he grab me in the dark, and he bite me and run away! But not before I SEE him. Ooh, it hurts, you got Bactine?

Julia (suspiciously): Well, I have some sedatives---

Prof: No, wait, Julia, you can't put her out before she tells us who bit her!
We may be able to solve the whole mystery, going back to 1967!

Julia (mumbles): If you haven't solved it before you won't tonight, you clueless
old toot---

Prof: Excuse me, Julia?

Julia (sweetly): Oh, nothing, Elliot. Just hoping Ms. Swann
has some clues.

Prof: All right, Ms. Swann, tell us about your attacker.

Ms. Swann: Yeah, okay. He-he--he---

All: Yes?

Ms. Swann: He--LOOK LIKE A MAN!

Prof: You already told us he was a man, dear girl. Now, you must be more
specific. What was he wearing?

Ms. Swann: He was wearing a thing, you know?

Prof: What kind of thing?

Ms.Swann: Big thing, wrapped me up like hot towel, and he bit me!

Prof: Alright, maybe we're getting somewhere. So, he was wearing---a cloak, correct?

Ms. Swann (giggling): You and your silly little glasses, and cute jiggly face.
You make me laugh! YOU tell the story better than me!

Prof: (losing patience): Ms. Swann, maybe Mrs. Stoddard should just call the sheriff.

(Door swings open: It's Roger, bobbing and weaving, with the Sheriff. Roger, BTW,
is the only C'wood resident with ordinary nails.)

Liz: That's amazing! I never touched the phone!

Roger (intoxicated): I just ran into the Sheriff while out drinking and driving. Literally ran into him--- his car I mean. Now I have to bribe him to drop the charges, and I owe him a shinny new BMW.

Liz: That's SHINEY!

Roger: Tell it to our incestors!

Liz: And this isn't Sheriff Patterson! He isn't bald and cute like old George. In fact, sir, you look suspiciously like, both, my former fiancee AND my late ex-husband!

Sheriff: Complain to the casting director. I'm your NEW old George, and that means I get to visit you for some afternoon delight like HE used to! (winks'n'nudges Liz)

Liz: No way! I'd rather play house with a VAMPIRE!

Julia (fervently): So would I!

Prof: Just question Ms. Swann about her attack, George. I can't get anywhere with her.

Roger (disgruntled): Neither could I!

Prof: The attacker overpowered her.

Roger: I don't believe it, after what she did to me the first night she moved in.
I was merely trying to get into her room to check if the lightbulbs were working. She kicked serious @$$!

Ms. Swann: I just do what my Gramma Swann teach me when I was a little girl,
you big grabby male chauvinist lousy boss! She ran biggest Tae Kwon Do school
in Bangor! But it didn't work when--- when--- He grab
me in the dark, and he bite me! Ooh, where's the Bactine?

Sheriff: Once more, Ms. Swann, describe your attacker.

Ms. Swann: He big, and he strong, and he carry a thing, you know?

Sheriff: PARDON me, Ms. Swann? What kind of "thing"?

Ms. Swann: You have naughty dirty mind! He carry a long, shiny--

All: Yes?

Ms. Swann: Long, shiny thing! You know?

Sheriff and Prof: NO WE DON'T!

Ms. Swann: Okay okay, don't get your BVDs in twist. I tell you what he look
like, okay?

All: PLEASE!

Ms. Swann: He--

All: Yes?

Ms. Swann: HE--

All: YES?

Ms. Swann: HE--

All: HE WHAT!

Ms. Swann (triumphantly): HE--LOOK--LIKE--A--MAN!

Sheriff (yelling in frustration): He looks like a man! He looks like a man! Dear God, how can you take it, bright shiny nails and all! Roger, just drop the bribery check in the mail, and forget about the new Beemer. I'll just have to wait until the attacker bites a Rhodes Scholar. See you later, Liz, I've got to be off. issuing parking tickets or something! (Runs out the door; moments later, a shuddering male scream is heard, O.C.)

Liz: Well, I guess HE won't be back to harass me. Maybe that attacker isn't so bad after all.

Roger: We'll be safe, I'm sure, as long as we keep the front door locked. . . I'm for bed. Anyone care to join me, eh, Ms. Swann?

Ms. Swann: As if I would. Anyway, you get big hangover in morning and then I have to clean!

Maggie (seductively): I'll be up, Roger. My nails are dry now. Like them?

Roger: Ah, yes, lime green. . . My favorite color, you know. Didn't I have a wife for about a month who used to wear it all the time? She said it was for me, but
she was a real witch.

Vicky: Emphasis on the "witch"! Let's go finish playing "Old Maid", Carolyn.

Carolyn: Then, let's play "Go Fish Bill Malloy."

(Everyone goes upstairs, and Ms. Swann is left alone. A bat taps
against the windows of the French doors to the patio. Suddenly, Barnabas
appears, looming over the tiny, defenseless ex-nail-salon owner. She
turns to him, and--)

Ms. Swann: Hey, Barnabas, you big strong hunk of vampire man.
Come to Ms. Swann. (They embrace passionately.)

Barnabas (tenderly): So, you got rid of them!

Ms. Swann: And you got rid of Sheriff Patterson! Thank you, he was big pain,
like Roger.

Barnabas: Alas, we're stuck with Roger for now. It's tough being his incestor.
Ah, Ms. Swann, I'm grateful we found each other--- you're prettier than Julia, though not as pretty as Willie, alas. Better nails, though. (Kisses her hands, which are tipped by 14K glue-ons.) Maybe you can help me with mine. Now that
I'm not taking Julia's medicine anymore, they're going to get a bit gnarly.

Ms. Swann: You know, she even forgot to give me Bactine!

Barnabas: Well, that's just as well. I hate the taste of Bactine. Peroxide,
now, that's not too bad, and it helps keep my gingivitis down as well. I say,
Ms. Swann, why don't I show you the Old House by moonlight? (Nibbles her neck.)

Ms. Swann: What, you run out of candles over there?

Barnabas (voice husky with lust): No, my sultry seductress. I'd just like you to come over, and slip into something more comfortable, like an 18th-century wedding dress. Now let's hurry, before anyone looks for you--- (Hustles her out the French doors. They didn't see a young boy hiding behind a loveseat with a camera. . .)

David: Boy, wait till Dr. Hoffman gets a load of these pictures!

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK ON "MAD TV". . .
===================================================

From - Mon Aug 16 01:11:40 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Add-a-Filk

I was hashing out some filk-song ideas based on ballads so complex, I
just got through the first verse before getting tired. Here's one:
(apologies to Bobbie Gentry)

It was pretty warm
that long winter of 1795;
No swirl of snow,
just thunder storms of rain
filling up the sky.
There was supposed to
be a big fancy wedding
at the Collins estate;
Instead, a funeral a week
has filled the social scene---
What a sad sad fate.
And now we just heard
the bride-turned-widow
took an awful spill;
Last night, Josette Du Pres Collins
jumped off that tragic Widows' Hill!

I wouldn't call this a round-robin challenge, but if someone
would like to add to this. . . (One verse tells of a gossiping
preacher who comes to Sunday dinner--- a neat fit for Trask!)
V.o.S.R.
-==============================================

From - Mon Dec 07 02:05:33 1998
From: Sarah Collins
Subject: Re: Today is Jonathan Frid's Birthday
Date: Sat, 05 Dec 1998 12:21:00 -0700

V.O.S.R. wrote:

> Sarah Collins wrote:
> >
> > V.O.S.R. wrote:
> >
> > > Sarah Collins wrote:
> > > >
> > > > FENATIC wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > happy birthday JF
> > > >
> > > > I was wondering if anyone would notice. Yes today is Jonathan's
> > > > birthday.
> > > > and I am very happy to wish him the merriest of days and many more!
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY JF.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Happy Birthday Big Brother, from your Collinwood sister Sarah
> > > > Collins
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------
I can picture him now. . .snug in his home. . .Then the doorbell rings.
He reluctantly rises to answer. . .There's a pimply-faced youth in a
uniform standing on the porch. He hands Mr. Frid a package. "Special
Birthday delivery from V.O.S.R., sir," the boy quavers. . . "Vassar?
Why on earth would I get a package from Vassar?" Mr. Frid demands in
the measured tones of menace he once used in the Barnabas role. . .
"Sorry, sir, it's V-O-S-R, a set of initials, I read it wrong," the
young fellow snivels. . . "Still, I don't know anyone with those
initials. Maybe it's a prank!". . . "No, sir, we put it through our
state-of-the-art-ultrasonic prank detector, and it's clean," the
delivery boy wheedles. . .Mr. Frid glances at his name tag. It reads,
"Willie L." "Somehow, THAT'S fitting," he thinks. . .He sighs, signs for
the package, and even tips the persistent youth. "A little something
for you, on MY birthday". . ."Oh, THANK you, sir! I'll even sing the
birthday song!". . . "That WON'T be necessary. Good night". . .
Mr. Frid carries the package to the kitchen, and opens it. . .

It's a six-pack of Diet Coke. . .and a small birthday card that reads:
> > > Just for the taste of it!
> > > Happy Birthday, Mr. Frid!
> > > Voice
> > > of
> > > Sweet
> > > Reason.
> >
> > Hello V O S R, have you ever had a Pepsi Free? What 's with you and Diet
> > Coke
> > ( I drink it all the time btw). Don't get me wrong I like your stories
> > very much. :-] Sarah Collins.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> It started with the afternoon performance Mr. Frid gave at Hofstra.
> There was a small stand set up by the lecture podium for a container of
> water, but there was no pitcher, no bottle, nada. . .I don't know if Mr.
> Frid had anything during the intermission, but during the two acts, he
> "ran on empty". When the time came for what he called "Questions and
> Evasions," he was becoming raspy, requested something to drink, and
> someone ran to get it. He or she returned with a Diet Coke. I don't
> know if this was Mr. Frid's preference, or if that was the only thing
> left in the soda machine, but he made the best of it, sipping it slowly.
> The incident was recalled for me when "PostCool" kindly e-mailed
me two very good close-up photos of Mr. Frid--- one solo shot, and one of Mr.
> Frid embracing Edith Tilles, the DS hairdresser. In both, the Diet Coke
> can is clearly featured. (PC even commented on this, and inspired my
> fantasy Diet Coke commercial!) Then, when I got back MY pix of Mr. Frid
> at the autograph table, THERE'S the missing pitcher of water, AND a
> bottle of water, AND a nice piece of stemware---but the Diet Coke can is
> closest to him!
> V.O.S.R.

That's great! now you are the Mistress of the Diet Coke treasures and fables.
long may you reign. Sarah Collins.

==========================================================

A Holiday Greeting from Lockwood-Mathews, celebrating Jonathan Frid' first
visit to the mansion in many years, and his performance of his one-man show on
December 15, 2001:

Canadian Child,
bright, shy and mild,
A prosperous builder's son.
His life was meant
for different work,
a most surprising one.
He left his home
and went his own
and solitary way.
And he gave to us
a gift we know
we never can repay.

A man who lived for acting,
denied a simpler fate.
He went into the Navy once,
but the stage just wouldn't wait.
He plied his craft with discipline,
and a thundering, velvet voice.
His thorough way of sculpting roles
made him the directors' choice.

We thank him for the Shakespeare,
For "Arsenic and Old Lace."
From "The Crucible" to "Mass Appeal".
played with conviction
and much grace.
We thank him for the readings
from Poe and other souls.
And most of all, for "Barnabas",
perhaps best-known and loved
of all his roles.

This man from Canada has slowed
and his eyes are growing old.
But his voice is still his instrument,
and still can stir your soul.
They broke the mold when he fell out,
and everybody knows,
there can be NO replacement for
the man from the Shadows.
====================================

Date: 07/27/1998

This place has been pretty empty lately;
I pick through posts so meager.
Is it the heat, or did everyone
return to work at the same time?
The posters no longer seem eager.
I've trolled in MillenniuM's halls,
And christened myself anew (as "Vanilla Rose")
Within the Religion NG's walls.
Because the spirit that drew
Voice of Sweet Reason to Collinwood
Seldom, if ever, calls.
So, hail Sir Guy! Sir Dave! Sir Stu!
The Ladies Pat, Janet, et.al.,
the whole alt.tv.dark_shadows crew!
Let not the Ghost of Morgan Collins
be the only poster bold and true!
So much better can we do!
Voice of Sweet Reason suffering delusions of poetic grandeur
=====================================================

April, 2001: Subject: Disco Fever in Collinsport
Erica wrote:
>
> > > I'd really prefer not to have to sit thru several
> > >years of Seventies fashions just to get to the present day...
> > > pstoddard
> >
> > Why not? We could look forward Dark Shadows: The Disco Years.
Barnabas' new theme song would be "Staying Alive"!
> > Eugene "Chuck" Collins
>
> And Julia could hypnotize people with a little spinning disco ball.
> Hmm, Barnabas in a white polyester leisure suit....(shudder!)
>
> Erica
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, but cantcha see Willie, and Harry Johnson in "shark suits", with lotsa
gold chains, hassling the ladies like those SNL characters?

A NIGHT AT THE BLUE WHALEBURY (1977):
Willie Loomis and Harry Johnson bop into the notorious C'port
dive--- heads bobbing to "Disco Inferno", shaking booties, cruisin' for
chicks... They spot Maggie AND Carolyn out together. When the girls get up
to leave, the boys make their move, snaking around them so they can't
escape, dancing them into traction. The young ladies scream for help, but
bouncer Adam is going to pieces (literally!) as Willie and Harry bump HIM,
then do a high-five and yell, "SCORE!"


Suddenly, the music stops, and all heads turn to the door.
Two figures who don't seem to fit in with the scene stand there--- a man in
a cape, carrying a cane, and a 1968-leisure-suit-wearing fellow with a
mustache. Barnabas roars, "WILLIE!", and Nicholas Blair says, "Now, Harry"
in a silky tone of smarmy menace. . . Willie and Harry have no choice but
to let Maggie and Carolyn slump to the floor and follow their masters. But
don't fret for the girls--- they're immediately helped by a newly-docked
crew of foreign sailors!


At Nicholas's house, Barnabas says, "We should deal with these two idiots
MY way!" as he raises cane. Nicholas stays his companion's hand---"No,
wait, I have a BETTER idea!" Nicholas goes to the altar in his cellar, and
makes an incantation to Satan. Within minutes, a horde of the damned are
boogying into his parlor, all wearing shark suits, shaking booties, and
bobbing their heads to the tune of "Freak Out!" They surround the two
miscreants and dance THEM into semicoma---but not before Barnabas and
Nicholas join in, and Willie's and Harry's screams are drowned out by the
zombies high-fiving and yelling "SCORE!" V.O.S.R.

======================================================

Subject: DS Lite
Date: 07/07/1998

I thought I'd just throw these last few thoughts in. I know it's jarring
after all the heavy discussion, and I'll probably jump back into them after
I've packed my duds for the Fest and had a rest. But I've been thinking
about them all day during my boring, lonely job,
and want to share before I forget everything. (Not hard to do, since
fretting about and prepping for the trip has made me lose sleep.) Besides,
who else will appreciate them? I'd like to thank this newsgroup for giving
me an opportunity to share thoughts about DS and related issues, make jokes
about DS, and in general, sharpen my writing skills.

Issue the first: DS Fest dream guests, and their probable reactions to
being invited (inspired by Abe Vigoda's bemused, but amused observation at
last year's outing: "I was only on the show two times!" note: actually, it
was three times.)

**Harvey Keitel:"Dark Shadows? I was on THAT? What WAS that, anyhow? Oh,
I was in the crowd in a bar scene? You'll have to narrow that down. I've
been in so many bar scenes... Wait a minute. I was wearing a tie? Ogling
a blonde? Okay, I'm closing in on it!"

**Susan Sullivan: "Let me think. . .Oh, yes. I WAS a ghost or something,
wasn't I? Didn't get to say a word. Their loss! But, oh, that Mitch
Ryan. . ."

**Marsha Mason: "Please don't remind me. I only wore those fangs for an
hour, but my gums hurt for days!"

**Barnard Hughes: "I can't believe ANYONE remembers that! I was on during
the time nobody watched the darn show anyway!"

Issue the second: Patsy Cline and Dark Shadows---In my opinion, based on
some of her songs, Ms. Cline was a DS kind of gal. The following are some
of her biggest hits, and their possible use by the most appropriate
characters:
Walkin' After Midnight: Barnabas to Maggie, Roxanne, Carolyn, and the rest
of his female victims.
I Fall To Pieces: Adam to Carolyn
She's Got You: Josette to Barnabas and Angelique
(If You Loved Me) Half as Much: Julia to Barnabas
(How Can I Face Tomorrow When I Know) I'm Losin' You: Barnabas to Josette
and Jeremiah
Your Cheatin' Heart: Beth to Quentin.
Sweet Dreams: Gerard/Judah to Daphne
Crazy: Willie to Barnabas
V.O.S.R.

======================================================

Subject: The improving nature of work for
vampires

Date: 04/07/1999
Author: V.O.S.R.
Barnabas Collins wrote:
>
> Dear Lady, Deb;
> I do not work!
> Leisurely Yours,
>
> The loving brother of Sarah
>
> B. Collins
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, idle hands (and fangs) ARE the Devil's tools. . . As the DS
unofficial, unlicensed, and unqualified social worker, my files (marked
"X") indicate that Mr. B. Collins ought to find SOME suitable employment
(on the second or third shift, of course!) to keep him IN Amontillado and
OUT of trouble (with waitresses, governesses, dockside doxies, and a female
physician with a very chafed neck!) My penetrating analysis of Mr.
Collins's character also indicates that he needs to find more common ground
and sympathy for his long-suffering
thrall/servant/companion/counselor Willie.
So a leadership position is out of the question at this time, though I
would remind Mr. Collins that ANY occupation, no matter how odious and/or
tedious and/or menial, has dignity if the worker gives it his/her best
effort!
I put the question to the posters, and to Mr. Collins himself:
Given the restriction in the prior paragraph, what job (NOT career!) would
YOU have liked to see Barnabas do?
V.O.S.R.

===================================================

 Subject: Something completely different Date: 06/24/1998

Maybe there doesn't need to be a new "Dark Shadows." There's already
another show (and movie) featuring a short, red-headed spinster doctor who
tags along with a tall, pale-faced gent who wears nice dark suits but can't
seem to get a decent haircut, and who lost his younger sister years ago.
They run around trying to solve mysteries but always end up GETTING the
run-around. They've already encountered vampires,
werewolves, fungus people, circus freaks, cannibals, witches, aliens,
ghosts, etc., etc. . . Chris Carter always says he was inspired by
"Kolchak: The Night Stalker" but gosh-darn-it, the resemblances appear
rather more than a coincidence, don't you think?. . .

Voice of Sweet Reason
====================================================

Subject: Vega-ly DS (formerly: Re: "Da da da
da da" on DS)
Date: 11/28/1999
Author: V.o.S.R.

DivaMagenta@webtv.net wrote:
>
> Gee, when I saw this subject line, I thought we were going to be
> discussing songs by The Police! Bummer... : )
>
> DivaMagenta @>~~>~~>~~~~

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought somebody was going to do a filk of "Tom's Cafe" vis-a-vis the
"Blue Whale, similar to the dippy Nick-at-Nite version they did for "I
Dream of Jeannie". (Was stuck watching NaN with friends who watch almost
nothing BUT.)

Well I walked along the docks
till I came to the Blue Whale.
Asked for Scotch upon the rocks,
scrounged myself a corner table.
The next thing that happened,
a big wolf crashed through the casement.
Bob the barkeep, he freaked out,
and hauled @$$ to the basement.
I still sat there with my drink,
asked the wolf, "want to wet your gullet?"
He just growled and tore my shirt,
Till I tossed him a Silver Bullet ...

and----

My name is Willie
I live in the Old House next door.
People think I'm crazy,
But they don't have a vampire to work for.
If you hear something late at night,
Crack of a cane, a scream of fright,
Just don't ask me why I'm bruised,
Just don't ask me why I'm confused,
Just don't ask me anything at all. . .

V.o.S.R.
(aka Luca)
=================================================

Subject: Dream a little dream (formerly: Re:
No homicidal tendencies!)
Date: 08/05/1999
Author: V.o.S.R.
Jeanannd wrote:
>
> >victoria_winters@my-deja.com
>
> >Sweet Pete told me that he had a terrible nightmare, but he only got as
> >far as saying something about
> - - - - snip- - - - -
> Vickie, we like you...really we do. But PLEASE don't share your
nightmares
> with us. You see there is this rumor in Collinsport about a DREAM
CURSE...and
> you catch it when someone tells you their nightmare, then you have a
nightmare
> that is even worse and just HAVE to tell someone, then they get it, and
so on
> and so on....it's not something you really need to share with us. Now,
we DO
> still like you, it's just your nightmares we fear. ;)
>
> Fellennium web page at http://www.fellennium.com
> includes a Millennium Msg board, chat room for Millennium, Dark Shadows
> Message board, links and FanFiction area, episode guide for Brimstone,
> pictures, etc,.
>
> jeanad (AKA) jeanannd
------------------------------------------------------------------
V.O.S.R. has a dream:

Beckoner is an NG troll. I can't see the face, but he/she's wearing an "I
flamed everybody worthwhile on the DS NG, scared 'em away 4-ever, and all I
got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirt. I wish it was someone nicer, but you
get the beckoner you deserve, I reckon. Could be worse, I mean, it could
be Clinton, either Bill OR Hilary. Or Judge Judy. Or Michael Jackson. Or
Saddam Hussein.
Anyway, this NG troll person, surprisingly silent (they can't talk without
a keyboard in their hands), leads me to three doors. The little trashcan
nearby starts smokin'. How cheesy, I think, I should be having this dream
at Hill House, with fool-proof computer-generated fog, not this smog that
makes me hack and wheeze more than a pack of Julia Hoffman's Camels.
I open door no# 1. (where's Monty Hall when you need him?)
Just a day-glo green skull, what a yawn. Turn second knob--- YUUUCCKK,
is
that OLD SWEAT from JeffPeter ClarkBardford's ICKKY sweaty palms on that thing? If so, I wonder how Vicki can STAND him pawing away--- that stuff could ruin one's lime green Orbach's mini-dress. That brass knob is turning green NOW---

A guillotine? Well, thank goodness I'm not in the habit of going into a
room head-first, but they'll have to do better than THAT. After all, this
ain't the French Revolution, and I'm not Marie Antoinette (never even
played her on TV.)
Okay, door number three. Geez, I hope there isn't a tacky corpse, headless
or skeletal, or a bat or rat. . . If I laugh too much in my sleep, I have
to wake up and run to the bathroom. Then I won't be able to sleep again
for the rest of the night.
Opening the door, slooowly. . .
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh,
Gawd, no. . . talk about the point of RETURN! There HE stands, babbling
about how Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern are BOTH
right (!), how working moms and other "undesirables" are ruining the
country, all his excuses for not fixing up his house and buying crummy old
cars, and the SAME tired stories about his less-than glorious years in the
Service, getting wasted, etc. . . . He's saying WHAT? "How about giving it
another try, babe!"
IT'S MY EX-BOYFRIEND! NO, PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT THAT! SAVE MEEEEEEE!

There! Now EVERYBODY'S gonna have a "dream curse" dream tonight!
V.O.S.R.
an equal-opportunity offender
==========================================

 
> V.o.S.R. wrote:
>
> > This is my theory, the theory that belongs to me, and only me, who is
> > the one who is sole owner of this theory:
> > If baby "Her name is Victoria, I cannot take care of her" had been left
> > on an orphanage doorstep in winter-less Collinsport, would her new name
> > have been. . .
> > Victoria Thunders?
> > Victoria Storm?
> > Victoria Windblows?
> > Victoria Rains?
> > Victoria Seabreeze?
> > Victoria Fullmoon?
> > Victoria Darkclouds?
> > Victoria Greyskies?
> > Victoria Eclipse?
> > Victoria Shadows?
> > Victoria Bolts?
> > V.o.S.R.
===========================


From - Wed Jun 23 23:16:18 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Re: Descendants
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999 02:42:29 -0400
David1229 wrote:
>
> Those Collins boys did sow some wild oats. You don't think Angelique was
> Barnabas' first conquest do you?
>
> > waubrey@aol.com wrote:
> >How can the Collins family have descendants if Barnabas and Jeremiah are
> >dead,
> >leaving noone to continue the family line?
> >
----------------------------------------------------------

Barn was a soft-spoken guy, (doc-lang, doc-lang, doc-lang)
Girls agreed he was sweet, kinda shy (doc-lang, etc.)
Didn't mess with tramps, and here's why (doc-lang, etc.)
'Cause he vowed to wait forever (oh, yeah)
For a love forever true, (oh, yeah)
And when he finally found his woman (oh, yeah)
All the wild things he would do! (oh yeah, yeah)
Then Barn met Angelique (doc-lang, doc-lang, doc-lang)
On the hot streets of Martinique (doc-lang, etc.)
Oh, the bedsprings they sure did creak! (doc-lang, etc.)
She thought he'd love her forever (oh yeah)
Said, "I'm gonna make him mine! (oh, yeah)
But he met Josette, then he dumped Angie (oh, yeah)
She'll chase him till the end of time! (oh yeah, yeah.)
Sooner or later, oh-no
Angie's gonna make Barn pay, oh,no,
Josette's high on her hit list, oh, no,
And Jeremiah's just in the way, oh, no.
Here come the Doll and pins, oh, no,
House of cards and stolen junk, oh, no,
Angie just won't wait
for her love to fade,
She can't settle for a lesser hunk!
So that's how it all began (doc-lang, doc-lang, doc-lang)
Barn was a naive virgin man (doc-lang, etc.)
Didn't KNOW girls could make such plans (doc-lang, etc.)
For a blazing dude so fine, so fine,
But blind! (doc-lang, doc-lang!)
V.o.S.R.
===========================================

Wed Jun 16 23:52:05 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Re: Angelique tells Barnabas the same
Deborah wrote:
>
> Scott Michels wrote in message
> >Is anyone else reminded of Billy Joel's "Always A Woman To Me" (I think
> >that's the title)? Someone out there has to have the lyrical talent to
> >write an Angelique oriented parody of that song. Any takers?
>
> Actually, Mr. Joel's opening:
>
> "She can kill with a smile,
> She can wound with her eyes"
>
> seems a good beginning!
>
> Deb
-------------------------------------
"Killer Queen" by Queen, properly twisted, would make a dandy
Angelique filksong as well:

She keeps her magic rosewater
in a secret cabinet.
In her spare time she
plots against that
clueless fashion plate Josette.
Witchcraft's her remedy
for drudgery and poverty,
In every time and every place,
she will be found. . .
Her lust is naturally for Barnabas
for his feelings she can't care less.
Meticulous but not precise,
she's a voodoo queen.
She's got some agility
with a conjure doll
and a handkerchief---
guaranteed to blow Barn's mind
(if she can't get the knot untied...)

She can't avoid interception,
she's always at the same address.
In conversation,
this maid speaks
just like La Comtesse!
A little spell will beguile a
Josette and Jeremiah
and a twist of the wrist
will make Joshua
purr and twitch his tail---

She can be sweet
as a molasses vat,
She'll curse a man,
using a puppet Bat!
She'll absolutely drive
Barn into a casket, casket---
She's out to get him---
She's a voodoo queen. . .

============================================

Subject: Aerosmith and DS
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 02:46:23 -0400
From: "V. O. S. R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

(To the tune of "Janie Got A Gun")

Jenny's got a knife,
Jenny's got a knife,
She tried to take her husband's life,
Now that's an angry wife!

What did old Quentin do?
What did he put Jen through?
He left her pregnant with twin babies,
to run off with his sister-in-law.
His other girlfriend's looking after her,
But Jenny just got dafter---
Her hairstyle's never gonna be the same!

Run away, run away,
from the tower room, Jen!
Run away, run away,
attack your snotty in-laws!
Run away, run away, run away,
with a blade in your hands. . .

Jenny's got a knife,
Jenny's got a knife,
but Quentin's come back to life!
What's a crazed Gypsy to do?
It's Jenny's last IOU!

She's found out all about Barnabas---
Now she's a million miles past insane!
Jenny sees Beth and Quentin nestin',
She tries to kill her best friend,
But Quentin's at her throat and
Full-moon nights will never be the same!

'Cause Jenny's got a knife,
Jenny's got a knife,
but her husband took HER life,
And Jenny's sister's curse
will bring pain and strife. . .

V.o.S.R.
============================================

Subject: Re: Josette's Lamenting Limerick
Date: Sun, 06 Feb 2000 11:44:24 -0400
From: "V. O. S. R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Tim wrote:

> "Josette Collins" josette_collins@hotmail.com wrote:
>
> >Every attractive brunette
> >Barnabas thinks is Josette.
> >While perhaps it should flatter,
> >I tire of the matter
> >And so wish he would just forget!
> >
> >Josette Collins
> >(I am not Rachel Drummond)
>
> Seems he also has trouble with a certain blonde.
> She casts spells on him and carries on.
> A crazy rubber bat bit him and he bled,
> and this made him one of the living dead.
> So now Barnabas fears the dawn.
>
> Tim
> ~~~
> "If it ain't broke, break it." -- George Carlin

========================================
A red-haired lady doc who loved Barn was so bold,
she tried to cure his vampire blues but instead made him old!
Then she tried to fix things by shocking Adam into birth,
but that "cure" proved almost more trouble than he was worth!
Still, grateful for her efforts, Barnabas keeps Julia close,
but for lovin', he will turn to a prettier redhead, who's COMATOSE!

V.o.S.R
==========================================

Subject: Re: Stokes' song
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 18:37:38 -0500
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

"Deborah G. Buckner" wrote:

> Lily B. K. wrote in message
> >>Subject: Re: Stokes' song
> >>From: "Scarlett" scarlet8@ix.netcom.com
> >>Date: 03/16/2000 10:46 AM Eastern Standard Time
> >
> >>> No it isn't...Stokes song (especially Eliot's) is....
> >>> "Sheerrryyy, Sherry baby, Sheeerry.."
> >>>
> >>No, that's more Quentin's song ;)
> >>
> >>-Scarlett
> >>
> >>
> >Uh-uh; his song is "Brandy"....
> >Lily B. K. (Me, Myself, and I)
>
> Couldn't resist!
>
> A decanter on the sideboard stands
> Waiting for a Collins' trembling hands
> In a crystal glass the elixir lands
> For Quentin's home again.
>
> (We hear him say)
> Brandy, you're a fine drink!
> What a good friend you can be.
> Through my life, my loves and my troubles,
> Here by the sea.
>
> There's a maid with golden hair
> And she works keeping brandy there.
> When she sees Quentin's glassy stare
> It's time for a refill.
>
> (She hears him say)
> Beth, you're a fine girl
> What a good wife you could be
> But my love, my life has no hope
> But this brandy.
>
> Deb
----------------------------------------
Pardon me for being so bold, but I thought I'd
"add-a-filk" to complement your own
fine work:

(bridge)
At full moon, Beth always watched Quent's eyes
and his canine teeth a-changing.
She could see his nostrils turn dark and wet,
Body hair sprouting, clothing dis-arranging!

But she was faithful to the end,
Wolfman Quentin's truest friend.
Though he didn't appreciate
Her, till it was too late!

At night, she comes home late
from helping his children,
denied her by fate.
She loves a man in
a cursed state.
Beth pours him drinks,
as her heart sinks. . .

She hears him say,
Beth, you're a fine girl,
What a good wife you would be.
But my love, my life has no hope
but this brandy. . .
V.o.S.R.
======================================

 
Subject: Re: Werewolf
Date: Fri, 03 Mar 2000 20:13:54 -0500
From: "V. O. S. R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Kate wrote:

> Fatsam1813 wrote in message
> news:20000302121620.17859.00003185@ng-cn1.aol.com...
> > Who plays the werewolf after transformation.
> > When you see Beth & Quentin face to face he is about 4" taller than her,
> today
> > when she was face to face with the wolf she was a good 2" taller than her.
> > Sam
> > sam@fatsamproductions.com
>
> Alex Stevens played the werewolf for both Chris Jennings and Quentin. He was
> about 5'8" and both David Selby and Don Briscoe were at least 6'. I assume
> they decided his experience as a stunt man was more important than his
> height. Or maybe they thought viewers would think the werewolf was always in
> a semi-crouch.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Stevens' experience was more important than the color of his eyes, at least in
Selby's case. . .

Don't know why,
when the moon is full,
Quentin's eyes lose
their azure hue.
But a werewolf's
just a vicious hound---
And that's what makes
Quent's blue eyes brown!

V.o.S.R. (running for cover from enraged Crystal Gayle fans everywhere!)
==================================================

Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 23:48:13 -0500
From: "V.o.S.R."

"SPAGHETTI DREAMS OF THE DARK"
("Sogni di Spaghetti della Notte")
by V.o.S.R. (Voce di Rationale Dulce).

The hero, Stefano Rattibuorno, is a man long cursed with an incessant
desire for Spaghetti and other pasta products, with or without sauce.
A strange dream brings him to the pasta capital of Italy, Porto Cojones,
home of the Cojones family. Here he meets Vittoria Solstici, misterioso
orphaned governess to young Davidio Cojones. She shares Stefano's love
of of the macaroni. Stefano must confront his past, including his
vengeance on the man who cursed him 100 years before--- he put him
through an organ grinder. Talk about spicy meatballs!

Along the way, Stefano comes into conflict with Barnabo Cojones,
similarly cursed by his jealous estranged wife, Angelica La Bruca, who
has lured Stefano with the dream. Barnabo also has designs on the
bellisima Vittoria. A central episode in the book occurs when Stefano
and Vittoria sneak away for a sensuous 10-course dinner at their
favorite ristorante, "Spaghettio Eddio's", including a lavish, erotic
depiction of Vittoria seductively slurping her spaghetti, and Stefano
licking the sauce as it slides in a thin stream down her throat.

Other characters include Signora Elisabetta Cojones Stunod, the hermit
mistress of the Cojones estate, who spends hours locked in the wine cellar, supposedly mourning her missing husband Paolo, but actually knocking off the
Chianti supply; her brother Roderigo, who tries to develop fermented beverages
out of duram semolina, and spends most of his days testing the product; and Elisabetta's daughter Carolina, known to the town's young men as "La Putana",
due to her habit of doing the tarantella clad only in a thong bikini, at the dockside watering hole, Il Cetace Azura. And, of course, Roderigo's spoiled son, little Davidio, who runs away when Vittoria fails to help him make a costume for Carnevale, because she has a hot ziti date with Stefano.

And the list wouldn't be complete without Guilli, Barnabo Cojones's servant,
and former Mafioso, who is forced to cook huge pots of blood-red marinara all day while his master sleeps off his previous night's gluttony. Which Guilli
wouldn't mind so much, but he's allergic to tomatoes... A secret he keeps from all, till the day Stefano visits Barnabo's home, Casa di Cojones Antico... The unforgettable scene when he dices Guilli's zucchini and cooks his penne until it
is soft and limp and drizzling with olio and Gorgonzola will set your heart racing. It will also set your feet racing--- to the medicine cabinet for Alka-Seltzer.

"Sogni di Spaghetti della Notte" has already been optioned for the
cinema. It is rumored that Roberto Benigni of "Life is Beautiful" fame,
last seen ecstatically climbing the seats at 1999's Oscar ceremony,
will both star and direct (as Stefano, Barnabo AND Guilli), with his lovely wife Nicoletta Braschi as Vittoria (of course.) (The charming, precocious, TINY Giorgio Cantarini would have rejoined his former film parents as little Davidio, but alas, had a recent growth spurt and is now 2 meters--- just over 6 ft.--- tall!)

Advance acclaim for "SPAGHETTI DREAMS OF THE DARK":

"Delicioso! Had me begging for seconds!"---- NY Times Restaurant Critic
Mitch Mangia

"My Dad would have loved this!"---- Chef Boyardee, Jr.

"A little heavy on the saucy stuff, but worth every bite!"---- Wolfgang
Puck

"That delightful Signor Benigni will be making a film of THIS? IL
SCANDALE! His Holiness is NOT going to like THIS one!"---- Vatican
spokesman Cardinal Linguini

"Spaghetti Dreams of the Dark"---- Coming to a bookstore, movie theater,
and restaurant near YOU!

====================================================================

Subject: It can happen to YOU! (Was: Re: Evan and Handley)
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 20:01:41 -0500
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Can I Play With Madness? wrote:

> Lily B. K. wrote:
>
> >LOL! V, are we corrupting you...?
>
> All right! Corrupt away! I love that sort of thing.
>
> >Lily B. K. (Me, Myself, and I)
>
------------------------------------
How I Went Astray--- A TRUE Story!

It wasn't supposed to BE this way. . .

I came on the newsgroup one night, because a friend told me it would be
cool, and I wouldn't get into any trouble, and Mom and Dad had nothing
to worry about.
So I arrived, and everyone was SO cool, and yet, SO nice, I just
relaxed. . . Enjoyed the satire. . . Danced to a filk or two. . . Joined
in breathless debates.
Not a care in the world.

Then, someone offered me an entendre. At first, I refused, said I was
saving myself for a Smart Remark and On-Target Witticism. Entendres
seemed like such CHEAP shots. My new friends said, calm down, take it,
it's small, you'll enjoy it a lot, and it won't ruin your perfect
record.

So I took it, and they were right, but soon I wanted another
entendre. Then another. Before I knew what was happening, these "nice"
new friends were offering me DOUBLE entendres. I gobbled them down, and
soon wanted to make some of my own, and spread them around, so that
everyone would be hooked, like I was.

And soon, those whom I had thought to be my friends decided I had gone
too far, and left me high and dry when the Pun started elsewhere. My
Mom and Dad would like to wash my mouth out with soap, but I haven't
actually SAID anything, just TYPED all those entendres, and I'm a
compulsive hand-washer anyway. Plus, it would look rather strange if a
couple nearing 70 washed out the mouth of their 43-year old child!

As I said, it started innocently. And now, I have been corrupted.
And there's NO going back.

It wasn't supposed to BE this way. . .

V.o.S.R.
(Hoping Reverend Trask won't show up to try saving MY soul!)
===============================================

Subject: Re: Express Mail
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2000 23:54:14 -0400
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

(To the tune of "Take a Letter, Maria")

Last night, while I sat home
around half-past twelve,
there was the cousin I thought I knew,
come to lock me up inside a cell!

He said "Good luck,
but I believe you'll die
When the sun comes up again."
But luckily, I had a desk,
with paper and a working pen!

So I hope you see
this letter, Ju-li-a,
addressed to
nineteen-sixty-nine.
I'll stick in this secret drawer,
It'll be a cinch to find.

Please read
my letter, Ju-li-a,
Come rescue me
from all this strife!
Get those I-Ching
wands together,
Or else I'm gonna
lose my life!

You've been many things,
but most of all,
a faithful friend and true.
In times like these,
I know I can take
full advantage of you.
But once you're done,
I'll be on the run
after another pretty face.
But you'll come through,
Because I know you
are just a hopeless case.

So get that letter, Ju-li-a,
away from that brat.
Say you'll come
and let me out,
because I'm
trapped like a rat.

Please read my letter Ju-li-a,
and maybe, if you do
come back in time
to save my tail,
I'll be so
much nicer to you.

=========================================

May, 2002: A Poem I wrote in a very bad Rupert Brooke Moment,
When I thought I would be unable to attend this year's Festival:

If I must stay home this year, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of the Festival
that is Forever Lorraine. There shall be
in those endless lines of weary fans, a stubborn spirit revealed;
that with which DS enticed, infected, spread, made possessed;
Gave once, some monsters to love, some ghouls to roam,
a vampire Collins here, werewolves there,
cursed by witches, avoiding sun, glorying in gloam.

And think--- these fans, their energy and resources shed away,
grateful for the actors still surviving and aware--- No less
gives somewhere back the thoughts by Dan Curtis given;
Collinwood's sights and sounds; nightmares horrid as its nights;
Fiendish laughter, strange friends, bizarre adventures---
Still, it's my kind of peace, it's MY slice of heaven.
=================================================

A tribute to one annoying NG troll:

Sung to the tune of "Alison":

Well it's been a long time
since you started posting, Ray,
And MAYBE you can tell by now
that we are NOT impressed.
We're tired of hearing about how much you wish
the DS ladies' FEET were all undressed!

Perverts like you can't stand to get sentimental
about women with grey hair and lines.
God forbid a gal's not sexy / talented,
without pretty hooves,
and when she prints a book,
doesn't check every word, every time!

Ray Sal 'sbury,
I know rattling US
is thrilling YOU,
but someday, Ray,
it will all be through.

Ray, I hear you have a girlfriend now.
Did you PAY her in advance,
Or do you just INFLATE?
I can't imagine a WOMAN of sound mind,
Consenting to give you a date!

Sometimes I wish that I could
STOP
you from posting,
And make you READ
the stupid slander you spread!
"Babe" Barrett, Kathryn, Terrayne,
Alexandra, Dan "Kirschner"
and "Connie" Fowkes,
should gang up and
TROUT-SLAP YOU UPSIDE YOUR HEAD!!!

Ray Sal 'sbury,
Perhaps the Lord (or your ISP)
may yet come through,
And end the "aaaaaccccc attack"
we get from you. . .

Forever, Amber
(my aim is true)
====================================================

I had to apologize for inadvertantly fooling a couple of sensitive
NG posters when I attempted what turned out to be an all-too-effective
impersonation of the above-mentioned Mr. "Salivating" Salisbury (though at
least ONE poster saw through the joke and appreciated it!!!)

Far be it for me to exculpate the notorious Ray from his manifold sins
of irksomeness, but when I sent the "RayRayRay" post, it was under the
assumption that you had read my "Ray-wannabe" posts from a previous
thread, clearly identified under MY name and addy, and would "get" the
joke. It was just TOO easy, and TOO tempting, to cop his style, but
again, it WAS due to a misunderstanding (and, perhaps, the thought that
you WOULD check the headers, which identify the path back to Erols.)

Otherwise, my contributions to the Ray fray are the usual baitings and
critiques, which serve absolutely NO useful purpose (since nothing seems
to discourage the twit) save as an outlet for my frustrations at the end
of a long day at work.
(Though I BELIEVE, the reason RAY hasn't noticed THESE little
plagiarisms, unlike the clever, but too-grammatically-correct one I
THINK was done by Ghost O' Morgan, because MINE are SO on-target, HE
probably FORGOT whether or not HE wrote them! Now, THAT'S pathetic!)

These three posts, and no others (so far, anyway) are MY versions of the
here-to-fore inimitable "Ray" genre.

Luv, Lorraine (aka Anna Nemus, whose parents WOULD expire if I played
Ray in any other venue BUT the NG!)

******************************************************

Subject: What was the question again? (Was Re: Garner and Who?)
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 02:07:32 -0400
From: Lorraine
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Graeme wrote:

> >>But Vicky herself raised that issue to Richard today, since she
asked to
> speak to his partner. According to him, his original partner was his
brother,
> now deceased.. Son Frank evidently replaced him, thereby allowing the
firm to
> meaningfully still use the Garner & Garner name.
> I've already recanted this theory. Looks like I'm not the only one
who spoke
> too early. I feel better now.
>
> ----------------------------------------

Really, Graeme, it's no biggie. . . After all, your tiny mistake could
have attracted the attention of RAY!

As in:

"Well Graeme I'm sure that cute and sexy Vicky would have thought it was
boring Ken lookalike Connie Fowkes's bald and fat grandpa too but doesnt
Hugh Franklin look like he could be his grandpa rather than his dad
because he's pretty bald though he's skinny not fat like Sheriff Patty
(Im calling him Patty rather than Patterson because it takes not as much
letters and that's probably what he ate for 3 meals a day!) Well,
Connie-Frank doesnt look a bit like him Maybe his mom on the show was
probably kind of sexy and had great feet too. Hey they could have done
a flashback to 1948 when daddy Richard looked more like Connie Fowkes
than Hughie, and Connie-Frank's Mom could have been played by sexy
talented Kathryn Marlene Krigstad who's Kathryn leigh Scott who makes
all those mistakes in the Almanac and was a bunny too. Rather than Babe
Barrett because though she has the sexiest feet which I want to hold
wash and kiss like Rev Terry Crawford (I mean this in a religious way)
Connie has brown hair and so does sexytalented Kathryn Leigh Scott.
Connie-Rich and Kathryn could get in a 3-way with cute Alexandra as
Liz and that's how they got little Vicki but cute Alexandra thought baby
Vicky was going to icky (how do you like that rhyme Graeme?) like her
ugly bald big-nose GreatUncle 10 times removed Count vonMoltke so she
left her at that orphanage until she knew the baby was growing sexy as
her! Boy I hope she (sexy Vicky I mean) didn't get stretch marks from
the baby or anything like that though Joan Bennett looks like she got
them on her face but that's from worrying about Babe Barret showing off
her pretty feet to the sailors at the Whale Joe and Burke.
Ray"
***********************************************************

Racebc wrote:

> Lorraine wrote:>
> >"Well Graeme I'm sure that cute and sexy Vicky would have thought it
was
> >boring Ken lookalike Connie Fowkes's bald and fat grandpa too but
doesnt.....etc.
>
> ROFLLLLLLLLLLLLL!
>
> Karen

-------------------------------------
The SCARIEST part was that I started THINKING like RAY, even thinking up
corrections to my own post:

"Well Im sorry Graeme seems I made a little boo-boo (get it? boo-boo
about Dark Shadows with all the ghosts) What I meant to say was that if
Connie as his dad and sexy Kathy Scott as his mom or is that his wife? had a
3-way with Liz and sexy Vicky was born it would have been in 1945 because she
was born on March 4 1946 like she told the judges in the witch trial but I
don't see how she knew that, she was found in a box with a note with no
date. But that still means she was dating her brother so maybe its
better Connie dropped out of the show aside from being a real yawn and
having relatives in MPI who wouldn't let anyone know he was dating his
insister. Also I left out the word "be" when I said Liz was worried
baby Vicki would be icky like Count von Moltke. And I made it sound
like Babe Barret showed her feet to a guy named Whale Joe but I should
have put a comma in there. Joe was a whale of a guy but he wasn't fat
like a whale like Sheriff Patty but that doesn't mean I think he's sexy
I think guys are ugly. Only girls are Babes.

Ray"

SOMEBODY STOP ME !!!!

Lorraine (possessed)

==============================================


Subject: Re: Feelings about Matthew as killer.
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001 00:09:35 -0400
From: RayRayRay
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Graeme wrote:

> >>What does Thayer David's being corpulent have to do with anything?
Or William Shatner's, or Ernest Borgnine's?

> Simple. Ray only gets the hots for slim guys like Conard Fowkes. We
already know that much.
>
> >>(I knew before today that Mat did it so I can't give my
> >>feelings on the subject)
>
> >That doesn't make any sense, but then why should it?
>
> It makes perfect sense. Ray's memory isn't very good, so he doesn't
remember how he felt when he found out. But if he'd found out yesterday, he
thinks he could probably remember that. I'm dubious, personally.

Oh Graeme you know Mat had to be the killer It's always the fat guy did
it because they cant get rid of the better-looking charcters they can
always get another fat ugly dude if they need another killer. Hey they
can get rid of Sheriff P. if they need to get rid of anyone else. They
could have had them fight Shatner and Borgnine (is that where they got
the name of the Borgs on the Star Treks?) Battle of the lardys, that
would get some play on Celebritte Dethmatch hahaha. And you KNOW all
the babes with all the great feet couldnt have done it they would have
got runs in their sexy stockings on Lookout Point.

And YES you guys I do have a memory. If only Amber or somebody would
tell the truth about when the'll show Babe Barrett's feet I sure would
remember THAT! And thats terrible what youre all saying. I dont CARE
about Connie Fowkes, he's boring and he's a guy. I have a GIRLFRIEND
and she isn't a blow-up doll like some have teased and even if she was,
she'd be a GIRL blow-up doll with blow-up tubes on her chest or even
FEET not Connie or Joel even though compared to Baldy pudgy Dana or
sloppy Thayer they would be the guy equals of the babes on the show.
You know where THERE
blow-up tubers would be, like the doll pilot on "Airplane."

Is this perfectly clear or what is it?

(P.S.>>> I'm not Ray, but I'd play him on TV if they paid me in 7
figures and put enough make-up on my face so my parents wouldn't pass
away from the shame of it all!)

Anna Nemus

==================================================

PT Great Aunt's Julia's only 3 known songs!

To my dearest nephews, who have oft seen fit to expose the shadowed corners
of my trials and tribulations, after all I had done in their behalf:

My boyfriend's back,
Now you're gonna be in trouble---
Hey lah, hey lah,
Garth Blackwood's back!

Morg and Gabe had better
haul their @$$e$ on the double,
Hey lah, hey lah,
Garth Blackwood's back!

Garth was gone,
haunting Dartmoor prison,
Till his Rubenesque
Julie, he was missin'---

Morg and Gabe have
been acting like bad seeds!
My Garth's gonna treat 'em
like a pair of Aristedes---
Just you wait and see!

My boyfriend's back,
he's gonna save my reputation!
Hey lah, hey lah,
Garth Blackwood's back!

Morg and Gabe should take
a permanent vacation,
Hey lah, hey lah,
My Garth is back!

He'll make them sorry
that they ever teased his lover,
hey lah, hey lah
Garth Blackwood's back!
Those drunken sots will
learn a new meaning for "hung over"!
Hey lah, hey lah,
the Master's back!

Then Garth will take me out
to a fabulous buffet---
I'll stuff myself and
then we're gonna play. . .
Hey lah, hey lah,
My GIRTH is back!

Julia Sarah Hoffman Collins
(1785-1870)
Career spinster
Guardian of the family pride
On-call gravedigger
Now satisfied in EVERY way {;^D
AND the last REAL master of Collinwood
on our side of the Parallel Divide!
===============================================

Date: Fri, 22 Dec 2000 19:18:12 -0500
From: Ghost of Julia Collins
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

The Ghost of Sarah Collins wrote:

> On behalf of all the Collins Ghosts from both sides of the ether
> we send these wishes from beyond the grave...
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~
> A curse for a Collins Christmas!
>
> A curse for a Collins Christmas!
>
> A curse for a Collins Christmas!
>
> And a haunted New Year...
>
> Dark Shadows to all
> Within Collinwood...
>
> Dark Shadows for Christmas
> And a haunted New Year...
>
> A curse for a Collins Christmas!
>
> A curse for a Collins Christmas!
>
> A curse for a Collins Christmas!
>
> And a Haunted New Year!
> ~ ~ ~ ~
> {I had a dream last night, let me tell you all about it...}
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~
> The Ghost of Sarah Collins(1784-1795)
> Loving Sister to Barnabas...@}{~~~~~~
> copywrite....................................2000
> "That evil is wicked is well understood.
> the wicked are punished so you must be good."
> (Sarah to Barnabas.)

~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~
And, may I add these heart-felt sentiments to yours, dear Sarah!

I'll be tombed for Christmas,
You can count on me. . .
The ghouls will shriek,
The floors will creak,
And the governess will freak. . .
Christmas Day at Collinwood---
Ectoplasmic lights will stream.
I'll be tombed for Christmas,
But haunting every dream!

Julia Sarah Hoffman Collins (1785-1870)
Career Holiday Sprite
Keeper of the Family Yuletide Tannenbaum
On-call Gift-Wrapper
and. . . the real "Mrs. Claus" on this side of the Parallel Divide!

Ooooooh, Morgan and Gabriel. . .
come see what lovely (and machine-washable!)
dainties Santa-baby left for you under the Yum-yum---
er, I mean, CHRISTMAS tree!!!!
============================================

Subject: Re: If I had but a lute...
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2000 00:51:38 -0400
From: Ghost of Julia Collins
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

The Ghost of Morgan Collins wrote:

> Ghost of Julia Collins wrote:
> > ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
> > Morgan, you BEASTLY BOY!
> >
>
> > The TRUTH is that either Gabriel or that imp Melanie stole the key to my chastity belt..... My figure is STILL trim, if no longer lissome. . .
> >
> > Morgan Collins CAN'T handle the TRUTH!
> >
> > Julia Sarah Hoffman Collins
> > Career Hag, etc., etc.
> > (1765-1870)
> >
> >The TRUTH?! My dear Aunt, Morgan Collins IS the truth! What is truth?
>
> As regards your ever possessing, indeed ever needing to wear, a chasity belt,
> does make your nephew laugh! Who was your only 'date' (as they say in these
> latter times) but the ancient, toothless, Ben Stokes? Think you not that
> Gabriel as well as myself did not know of the (barely) suppressed rage and
> jealousy you felt towards we two knowing how much more attractive we were to
> the male persuasion then you might ever hope to be (except for such blind,
> desperate old codgers such as Stokes).
>
> >{n.b.--I am quite aware Aunt Julia that it was you who whispered to all of my own love with Tim Braithwaite. --GAC}
>
> >And Aunt Julia, as for having a trim figure...Well having been dead these 130 years I am sure you needs must have become quite thin. By now you must be all dried-up skin and bones,
> I should think. (Ho, ho, ho, ho!)
>
> >But Aunt Julia, you know I still love you and do now regret the childhood chant Quentin, Gabriel, Melanie, Stuart and Susanna Forbes, Headly Trask, and myself were wont to sing as the rope was round around Bramwell as we playfully lashed him to a tree...
>
> >"Dance around the oak grove,
> Fasten Bramwell tight,
> Aunt Julia is this dead tree,
> Withered without a love."
> --
> Morgan Jerimiah Prentice Collins
> (1810-1841)
>
> "In Collins Town,
> Where I was born,
> There lived a fair lad dwellin,
> And that fair lad,
> Cried "well-a-day",
> The comely Stuart Allen"
>
> Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
> Before you buy.

________________________________
Morgan, I adore you too, but I MUST sing this little ditty:

"In Collins fair city,
where the boys are so pretty,
there once lived two brothers
named Morgan and Gabe. . .

They raided my bowers
for my silky drawers,
To lure Stuart Forbes
and Timmy Braithewaite.

They stole from their Aunty
and engaged in flagrante,
Till from Widow's Hill
Spilled. . .
Sweet Stuart. . . alone.

Crushed on the rocks, woe-oh,
Crushed on the rocks, woe-oh,
Shattered, twisted, and mangled,
Crushed on the rocks, woe.

Then Brutus cleared the slate
of poor Tim Braithewaite,
When Gabriel paid Tim
To suffer his fate!

Trounced for his treach'rous behavior,
Gabriel had no Savior.
He went psycho and pranced
right into a lance!

Mad Morgan was tossed
Like a salad, and was lost. . .
All four paragons now
push up weeds through the dust!

All dead, all dead, woe-oh,
All dead, all dead, woe-oh,
The Collins Curse
just gets worse,
All dead, all dead, woe!

Julia Sarah Hoffman Collins
Career Spinster
Guardian of the Family Pride
On-Call Gravedigger
Ethereal Balladeer for all Occasions
And the Last REAL Master of Collinwood
On Our Side of the Parallel Divide
(1785-1870)

=========================================

What if Trask had a treacherous female descendant?

Picture this: Collinsport, 1910: Charity Trask, still under the "Pansy"
influence, gets wasted, starts getting weepy over Carl and Quentin for
the umpteenth time, and is "consoled" by a hunky sailor. Nine months
later, she gives birth to a daughter who resembles Gramps Gregory and
Gramma Minerva. The pain and trauma of the birth snap Charity back to
reality, and, while horrified over her fall from grace, of course she
vows to raise little Mariah to be a true Trask, complete with a desire
to avenge the mysterious disappearance of Gramps, Great-uncle Lamar, and
the 1795 ancestor (let's call him Elijah), as well as Gramma's murder.
However, to conceal her purpose, Charity moves to Boston, and poses as a
widowed schoolteacher; her child grows up under the name of Mariah
Roddam.

By the late thirties, this determined daughter of an obsessed mother,
armed with a Harvard business degree gained by pulling a "Yentl" type
impersonation of a male (though actually a dark-haired smoky-eyed femme
fatale), is ready to attack the Collins interests like a school of
sharks. She destroys Tim Shaw, who had been rewarded with a high
position in the Cannery for helping Judith dispose of Gregory.

Alas, though, before Tim shoots himself in Mariah's bedroom, he only
reveals that Gregory "never left the estate." After Mariah and Mom
somehow manage to drop Tim's body in a nearby park with a briefcase-load
of incriminating documents and a garbled suicide note, the younger woman
tries to infiltrate the "citadel" itself, with the aid of Paul Stoddard
and Jason McGuire. However, none of the three can discover anything;
Judith Collins Trask had already died by the time Charity regained her
memory and started making plans for little Mariah. And Paul screws up
by having affairs with both Mariah, and the butler's niece and
illegitimate Collins cousin Betty Hanscombe (whom Mariah manages to
ruin and send packing after discovering her pregnancy.)

In the meantime, father-in-law Jamison Collins unexpectedly passes away
(perhaps helped along by Jason), but betrayed daughter and wife
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard "cleans house" with her trusty poker, then
closes it to all intruders, including former friend Mariah, whose plans
against the family and Liz's girlhood confidant Betty have been
revealed. For their own safety, Betty's and Paul's daughter Vicky is
raised in a crowded orphange under an alias, and Betty and her uncle are
paid to stay away until both eventually die. Years later, Vicky comes
to live at Collinwood as a governess so Liz can judge her character and
worthiness for a future inheritance, but the girl's identity is never
revealed to her because of the possible threat from Mariah, and she
soon disappears into the mists of the distant past.

It takes Mariah and Charity another twenty-odd years to figure out
another way to get to the Collinses, aside from inside trading along
with Burke Devlin, who later wimps out on his schemes against the
Collinses. When "cousin from England" Barnabas arrives on the scene,
and becomes a prominent local citizen, Charity gradually remembers that
a very similar Barnabas had been under suspicion of vampirism, and that
she had not only been his victim, but, as "Pansy", had tried to
exterminate him in vengeance for his murder of Carl Collins. In her
heart she knows this is the SAME Barnabas, and tells her daughter as
much as she can before she dies at the age of 95 in 1971.

While she's still quite attractive, Mariah knows she must be mostly the
brains of the operation this time, and in 1973, brings forth her own
hidden weapon: Jaycie, her own daughter, born of an affair with Jason
McGuire while the latter was till riding high on his blackmail pay-off
from Elizabeth, and sequestered as Vicky had been, to keep knowledge of
HER existence from the Collinses. Jaycie, who was also a brilliant student,
rises quickly in the ranks of the Collins enterprises, and in the family
tradition of assumed names, is a Clanton.

Jaycie seduces Roger, almost seduces teenaged David (though
she DOES manage to discover where he and Amy Jennings had buried Gregory
Trask), and is mentored by Nicholas Blair, who labors under Diablos's
new "Three strikes and you're OUT, I mean, NO S***, THIS time, REALLY
forever, I SWEAR!" policy. He tries to use her to create a conflict
between Barnabas and bride Julia Hoffman, but both elude her
by going back to 1798 and rescuing Vicky Winters Bradford from the
Leviathans.

Re-installed at modern-day Collinwood and FINALLY apprised as
to her identity, Vicky faces down Jaycie and Mariah, aided by a host of
ghosts, including Elijah Trask (who's come to the conclusion that the
women of his family are worse witches than even Angelique), Angelique
herself (who's become a tiresome feminist fanatic who insists on being
called, not a witch, but a "practioner of the old earth religions"),
Lamar Trask and Roxanne Drew (who decided to let bygones be bygones, and
retrieved Lamar's spirit from Parallel Time), and Carl Collins, who
possesses Willie Loomis (and causes the latter to drive Barnabas a
little "batty" as well!)

(The big revelation comes when Nicholas reveals that HE is the
long-lost brother of Isaac Collins from back in the 17th century, and
that, appearing in the guises of Paul Stoddard in 1945 AND Jason McGuire
in 1949, he is the father of Vicky Winters Bradford, and Jaycie Roddam
Clanton.)

====================================================

From: V.o.S.R. (aquilablanco@erols.com)
Subject: Re: Yet another question
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Date: 1999/11/27

Jane Ellen wrote:
>
> >I'm sorry that Vicky as Liz's daughter was just dropped and forgotten.
>
> That's certainly one regret for me. I also wish circumstances had been
> different and Mitch Ryan could have remained as Devlin, Burke Devlin.
> Goodness, we could go on all day with this sort of "what if" game . . .
> Lady Jane
--------------------------------------------------------

Burke returns from the Amazon in late 1971 with strange powers (still haven't figured out how come all the tropical and jungle peoples in these stories have
all these "powers" yet still live in primitive huts and shacks without
plumbing, electricity, etc. But I digress.)

He finds Liz in a sorry state, guilt-stricken because Vicky went back to
the past without hearing the "truth" about her parentage (choose a set:
Liz as Vicki's mom via Jason, Ned Calder, Nicholas or some nasty relative; or
Paul Stoddard as Vicki's dad via Betty Hanscombe or some un-named sister of Liz
and Roger's), then discovering that Vicki was killed in 1796, driven to her
death by the Leviathans.

Hearing that Barnabas and Julia have traveled into the past, Burke offers to
join another journey to the 1790's. Barnabas is reluctant because he's tired
of waking up as a vampire everytime he goes into the past, but can't resist
another chance to save Vicki. Julia is peeved about that, but convinced by Burke that he has powers to control the situation.

Aided by Stokes, who knows more holes into the past than there are in Swiss cheese, the trio travels back. Burke freaks Joshua out, as he believes that Angelique has somehow resurrected Jeremiah again--- in a new, more macho form! Julia is forced to pass as the Countess, who has mysteriously disappeared (killed by Ben Stokes, who is ALSO freaked.) Doesn't help that she doesn't know any French! (But since nobody in C'port knows much French either, she gets by with some Yiddish.) Barnabas is set free yet again, and starts noshing everyone in sight. (EXCEPT Julia.)

Oberon and Haza, who are posing as a normal Collinsport couple, and Jabez Hawkes, posing as a leading citizen of the town until they settle on a woman to help them conceive a Leviathan brat, have a legend that the transplanted daughter of someone from the future is their best bet. Vicki, still a fugitive for witchcraft but homesick for 1968, believes she can only get home if she sneaks back into C'port with new hubby Peter. This is brought to the attention of the Leviathans, and
she's targetted for some rough lovin' by a snake-headed slime monster.

Eventually, everything is "fixed" by Burke's new esoteric powers, combined with Angelique's, since she hates the Leviathans more than she hates Vicki. Vicki
is nearly "sacrificed", but her suicide is prevented, and even tiresome Peter is saved.

Then Vicki has to make a choice: Peter can't go to what they now realize will be the world of 1971; the "Jeff Clark" body he once possessed was once more found wandering around with no memory, and once again clapped into the bin for the still-unsolved murders of all those young women. There wouldn't even be nagging Ned Stuart; he's since been rendered to wolf-chow by his brother-in-law Chris Jennings (some people just CAN'T get along with their in-laws!)

Jeff urges Vicki to leave, since she's so unhappy. Burke suddenly changes his
mind: he wants her to stay with her husband, since they're BOTH so unhappy, and the fine legal points of wedding a gal already married to a guy in another century are just too much to solve. Julia wants Vicki to stay, because SHE is very unhappy (fearing Barn would once more interest himself in Vicki, but relents upon realizing that her friend Elizabeth would be even MORE unhappy. Barnabas just wants to go back to where he's normal; being a vampire makes him VERY unhappy!

Suddenly Vicki discovers she's pregnant, so she stays. Burke, Barnabas and
Julia go home, and believe that, due to the interruption of Vicki's ritual,
the Jeb they knew was never conceived. Burke proposes to Carolyn, and a grand celebration is planned.

Then, one day, before the wedding, there's a knock at the door. Julia answers
it, and almost faints on the spot: There's a young man looking an awful lot
like Jeb Hawkes on the doorstep, but with dark hair. He gives his name
as Victor Bradford. . . .
V.o.S.R.

=============================================================

Strangers at the Fest--- May 2002.
Written in a really bad SINATRA moment:

Strangers at the Fest,
autograph signing.
Fans and Actors meet,
their worlds colliding.
Who thought some would be pals
before the night was through?

Standing in those lines,
Fan's legs and back aching.
From signing all those books,
Star's hands almost shaking.
We both were half asleep---
then I reached you.

Strangers at the Fest---
Noise and pushing galore---
Then I looked into your eyes,
Didn't faze me anymore!

With your first tired "Hello"
Delusions of romance did soar---
Warm clasp of hands, I'm swept away
THAT feeling passed, but the next day. . .

No longer strangers at the Fest,
He speaks to, and treats me
as a valued friend,
and that's just neat, see?
It turned out for the best,
for two strangers at the Fest.

=================================

Date: 2000/03/18

JennaStan wrote:

> The Dark Shadows Almanac mentions a CBS summer series entitled "Comedy
> Tonight". On August 9, 1970, Jerry Lacy appeared as Count Drago, who bites
> Tonya the Witch. The witch is played by Madeline Kahn! This was titled
> "Strangest Shadows", and was a part of a parody on tv soaps.

------------------------------------------------------------
First of all, I really lost control of the giggles and guffaws this time.
Thanks, Jenna-- does the old ticker good!

I DO remember "Comedy Tonight", with an ensemble led by Robert Klein. I was
SO scrunched when it vanished--- it was funnier than "Laugh-In" had been in a
while by then, and probably more so than Saturday Night Live during those long
dry stretches, years later. I wonder if the tapes still exist somewhere--- I
wish I could see this again!


Somebody's dying,
Somebody's lying.
Somebody's turning
into a werewolf tonight.

A woman is witching,
A corpse is twitching.
Diablos is pitching
demons into Hell tonight.

Vampires and ghosts,
Phoenixes roast.
Ingenues shrieking,
Old mansions creaking.

Sister fights brother,
Lover curses lover.
Take a sedative
or you'll stay up all night!

Till the cock crows at sunrise,
There'll be "Dark Shadows" tonight!

V.o.S.R.
======================================================

Subject: Re: Parallel Time Guns 'N' Roses Sings
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Date: 2000-09-08

"V.o.S.R." wrote in message

> Tim wrote:
>
> > That sneaky ol'
> > Mr. Gladstone.
> > He ain't been knockin'
> > He won't leave Cyrus alone
> > (won't leave him alo-wone).
> >
> > Tim

*Applause, Applause, Applause*
--------------------------------------

> How to make my semi-annual Selby Filk suitable for framing:

> (insert your fave PT 1970 screen-capture HERE!)

> Quentin has eyes
> like the bluest skies
> that you've ever seen. . .
> Such a handsome guy---
> it makes us want to
> melt down and sigh. . .
>
> Though he wears strange plaid
> that could drive one mad,
> We don't feel TOO bad.
> The bod is there---
> Who really cares
> just how it's clad?
> Oh, Sweet Quent divine. . .

> from Axel, Slash, and V.o.S.R.!

=====================================

Date: 2000/01/12

Thank you, V.o.S.R. My question has been answered with the welcomed
added dimensions of poetry, music, and humor!

Florian dB

aquilablanco@erols.com wrote:
> Florian de Beaucastel wrote: Can anyone tell the history of the
> > primitive production values of DS or other daily shows during the 60's?
> > For example, why were the shows taped without much editing or reshoots
> > when bloopers arose?
> >
> ====================================
> To be sung to the tune of
> "Yummy, yummy, yummy (I got love in my tummy)"
>

 No money, money, money
made Dark Shadows so funny.
Dan just couldn't pay
for more time or tape.
ABC executives would balk,
But didn't want Curtis to walk.
So-called business sense
ruled the landscape.
 
Thousands of dollars,
Thousands of dollars,
that's what it cost
to fix a mistay-yay-yay-yake.
So it had to be a doozy,
like an actor getting boozy
and barfing during
every tay-yay-yay-yake!

No money, money, money---
Those accountants were funny;
they tossed Curtis dimes
and he made them a mint!
When they said "Dan, you're through!"
He spent a bundle or two,
on last-minute costumes---
Talk about throwing a hint!

So that's why flies are buzzin',
and they left Frid's nosepick in,
and Grayson had a solo show.
The bigwigs said, "Why sweat it?
It's a soap--- Folks will forget it!"
Goes to show how much
TV executives know!
 
No money, money, money
made Dark Shadows so funny. . .
> V.o.S.R.

==================================================

Subject: A scholarly dissertation on Miniskirts and Respect for Actresses
who wear them (Was: Re: Graeme Come Back! Re: How . . . edifying)
Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2001 11:56:47 -0500
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

KenLondon wrote:

> Graeme wrote:
>
> > Oh yes, I have lots more that I didn't put on that page. About a dozen total.
> > I have two separate Babe Barrett faints, one during the Adam story, and one
> > during the Leviathans. That page was just designed to show ones that they did
> > twice.
>
> Could we treat her with respect and refrain from calling her "Babe Barrett?"
> ---------------------------------------------------------------

Ken, you humorlessly-earnest woobie-oobie, I think they're just having a JOKE in the
spirit of the subject. Rating Miniskirt faints is a wee bit disrespectful to begin
with, but what the hell, it's FUNNY. And we KNOW Graeme is not as smarmy as good
old Ray (or whatever he's calling himself these days--- he's been annoying another
DS group lately--- one can spot his graceless style a mile away.) And observing
someone's appearance in a miniskirt STILL hasn't quite the queasy cachet of raving
about the shape and pungence of someone's FEET.

When we stop to scientifically consider the many-layered effects of a miniskirt
faint (primarily on the straight male population), we have to consider that the
deliberate choice of a director's making any given actress collapse in such a scanty
garment MUST have had SOME lascivious intent. (It would be instructive to determine
how many "miniskirt faints" took place when Mr. Henry Kaplan and any other male
directors were in charge, as opposed to Ms. Lela Swift!!!) Coyly attempting to
conceal the (usually) young lady's equally skimpy undergarments (or as we used to
call them, "cheerleaders' pants") is all part of the game--- And PLEASE don't insult
what's left of Amber's intelligence by telling Amber that it's only the LEGS one
cares about!

It's part of the suspense, when REAL suspense is lacking, especially in the male
constituents (I almost said MEMBERS!) of the audience whose attention is usually
slipping by this point, while their female companions are raving about how adorable
Quentin is, no matter what HIS state of dress or undress. (Though it might have
been enlightening to bring him back as a syncope-prone Scotsman so we could have
experienced a KILT faint! I can SEE the entire Quentin Qlique oohing and aahing,
and saying, "great gams--- cute knees--- but IS he or ISN'T he wearing
'cheerleader's BVDs'?")

So, if we are to refer to "Babe Barrett" in the context of an utterly silly thread
on miniskirt faints, it has nothing to do with Ms. Nancy Barrett, character actress
and cabaret performer, or Mrs. Kaplan, devoted wife to the late Dr. Harold.
We are referring to her brief long-ago moments of playing an occasionally kittenish
ingenue in then-fashionably-short frocks DESIGNED to titillate, garments which she,
herself, might not have worn on a regular basis while off-duty. (Though, actually,
even now, she would still look pretty darned good in them, a condition I admit to
envying!)

Think of it as the dichotomy presented by Ms. Jennifer Lopez. On the one hand, you
HAVE Jennifer Lopez, the respected young actress in such films as "Selena" and
"Angel Eyes", a recent newlywed, and currently the highest-paid performer of
Hispanic descent in Hollywood. On the OTHER hand, you have "J.-Lo", Latino hotcake,
attending solemn show-biz events wearing bits of fabric stapled together in
strategic places, the ex-honey of gun-toting "Puffy", and former Fly Girl from "In
Living Color." Yet, they are ALL components in the life of one and the same woman!

Perhaps, the next time we discuss Ms. Barrett's appearances in miniskirt, we shall
isolate these incidents by calling her "N.-Ba"? "Sexy-talented" former Bunny
Kathryn Leigh Scott's ubiquitous miniskirt mayhem, by identifying her as "K.-Le"?
Kate Jackson's extremely brief sojourn in a very red miniskirt signified by the
sobriquet "K.-Ja"? Alexandra Moltke, a.k.a., "A.-Mo"?

========================================================

From: V.o.S.R. (aquilablanco@erols.com)
Subject: Re: There Are Many Like You In My Country
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Date: 2000/05/27

Knockknee wrote:

> "Michelle says...
> >
> >Natalie told Barnabas that there were many "like you in my country." Maybe
> >she could introduce him to Louis and Lestat. Then he ought to swing by New
> >Orleans. It's like the vampire's Fire Island.
> >
>
> I always thought the worst thing in Martinique was a big volcano.
>
> Knockknee

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
The Countess (still haven't figured out how she got the title---probably paid
somebody for it!) was likely referring to France. At an early point in the 1795
storyline, she even reminisced about her brother Andre's wedding to Josette's mother
Marie in a French cathedral. Josette may have been born there, and the whole family
probably came to Martinique just in time to beat the French Revolution.

Then again, maybe there were legions of disgruntled family servants in Martinique
zapping their former masters/lovers into Undeadness. They even had their own
section on the Martinique 1795 census questionaire:

54.) Are you currently

a.) alive?
b.) dead?
c.) a zombie?
d.) a vampire?

--------------------------
55.) If (c) or (d), check brief description of circumstances:

a.) betrayed spouse
b.) spurned lover
c.) disgruntled slave(s)
d.) exasperated parent(s)

---------------------------------------
56.) Your current residence as Undead:

a.) casket in fine tomb
b.) wood crate in cellar
c.) pasteboard box in dirt grave
d.) closet or shed (if Zombie)
---------------------------------------------

57.) What is your current occupation as Undead?

a.) maintaining steady population of nubile virgins (if vampire)
b.) hygienic slaughter of veal (if vampire)
d.) leech (if vampire)
c.) general disgusting farm chores (if zombie)
d.) doorstop (if zombie)
-------------------------------------------
58.) How many bathrooms in your place of residence?

a.) 2 or more water closets w/ commode
b.) 1-2 water closets w/commode
c.) only have outhouses
d.) Zombie--- has to be led to outhouse
e.) Vampire---no need for bathrooms at all.
--------------------------------------------------
59.) How many spouses do you currently have?

a.) if alive and wealthy, one spouse and numerous mistresses and concubines.
b.) if alive and poor, one spouse and flirting with the local serving girls and
slaves.
c.) if vampire, several Brides. . . You are so beautiful, how would you like never
to get old and wrinkled, and sleep all day?
d.) if zombie---Spouse? What is spouse? Zombie sit still staring into space until
ordered to do chores.
(On the other hand, just put a TV or computer in front of
one, and you have the average husband!)

==============================================================

Attention, M*A*S*H* mavens!

Through centuries of love and loss
trying to get back with Barnabas,
Josette has always wound up still,
Rock pizza beneath Widow's Hill. . .

When Barnabas came back again
he got Aunt Nat to change the end.
But saving Josette from Angie's curse
may have led to something worse. . .

She had a suicide that's painless,
but it made too many changes.
Who'll do the things
Josette's ghost used to do?

She once was Vicki's helping hand,
Saved David from Laura's firebrand.
Though she didn't help Maggie Evans at all,
She got Julia to find Barn behind a wall.

But now the timeline has been severed,
Continuity's gone forever.
For heaven's sakes,
Four-headed snakes will rule!

And who'll do the things
Josette's ghost used to do? . . .

==============================================

From - Wed Sep 29 00:08:37 1999

Julie wrote:
>
> It actually DID still catch me by surprise, I didn't expect it so early in the
> show.....but I thought I was gonna DIE when Barn told Vickie he loved her. The
> look on his face was so gentle.....when he said, "I haven't loved many things
> in my life, but I love you", I just about melted onto the floor.
>
> Hmmmmmm....you know, that's a great line for a song.....
>
> Julie :-)
> Visit my newly relaunched home site:
> http://www.juliesweb.com

---------------------------------------------------------------
Love songs are NOT my strong suit, but "hurtin' and cheatin'"
songs are. . . "It's all part of my Patsy Cline fantasy. . ."

He shot me a look
straight in my eye.
His face was so sad,
Tender and gentle,
I wanted so to cry.

His husky words had power;
If only they were true:
"I haven't loved
Many things in my life,
But Vicki, I love you."

Since I always cared for him,
I almost melted to the floor.
But another love is calling me,
So truth forced me to implore:

"Barnabas, you've been so dear,
But you've said all that before,
To Angelique, and then Josette,
And who knows how many more?"

===========================================

NEW since 11/2002:

Given that, in spite of recent speculation about a future DS-based Broadway musical, it hasn't happened yet, and maybe not ever, I present the first in what will hopefully be a series of DS vignettes slightly based on other acclaimed productions. The following depicts an imagined confrontation between Willie and Barnabas, after the latter had to drive Adam away when the hapless "monster" nearly killed the former.

 Willie: Whoa, Barnabas, THANK YOU! I really thought I was gonna buy the farm that time.

Barn: "Buy the farm"? How could you buy a farm when someone's beating you to death? Or afterward?

Willie: Uh, that's what it means, Barnabas. "Buying the farm" is what we call "slang"--- it means you're gonna die.

Barn: I don't understand. . . Willie (to self): Well, that's something else he has in common with Vicki besides liking all that old junk . . .

Barn: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

Willie: Uh, nothing, Barnabas, nothing. Anyhow, I really really appreciate you comin' through for me this time. After all the times I thought I was gonna buy the--- ugh, after all the times, you know, when you got terribly mad at ME---

Barn: Now that I am coming ever closer to my goal of regaining a normal life in these modern days, the more I realize I must conform my behavior to the current norms. And that includes refraining from knocking my servant around, and even defending him from harm.

Willie: Aw, c'mon, Barnabas, there must be more to it than that. You COULDA let Adam do me in, buried me next to Jason in the mausoleum, and then finished training him to be your NEXT manservant or adopted son or whatever, with nobody the wiser. I mean, who'd really miss ME?

Barn: You still have your uses. It would take years to mark Adam's blank slate in the way I marked YOURS. Plus, I probably shouldn't admit this, but with all your manifest flaws, I DO trust you, a bit more than Julia.

Willie: Aw, Barnabas, you KNOW, deep down inside, she's more your type than any of those young babes---

Barn: PLEASE! No more about my Hebephilia.

Willie: Is that the science name for being a vampire? Or something dirty?

Barn: You idiot! Hebephilia means a marked preference for very young ladies, compared to myself.

Willie: Barnabas, you're 200 years old. EVERY lady in this century is REAL young compared to yourself, INCLUDING Julia.

Barn: Hmm, you MAY have a point there, Willie. That's another thing I can rely on you for. Your uncanny, if simple, insights and perceptions, especially as regards myself.

Willie: Geez-Louise, Barnabas. . . That's what I mean. It sounds like. . . Barnabas--- Do you love me?

Barn (shocked) Do I WHAT?!?!

Willie: Do you love me?

Barn: Great mountains of Bat Guano! Not in that way! What I meant is---

with Vicki getting married,

and Adam running loose around the town,

You're upset, go lie down, take a sedative---

But don't talk about--- gack!--- LOVE right now!

Willie: Barnabas, please---

For one solid year, I fixed your house,

Fed you my blood, then brought you cows,

Kept Maggie locked up, dug up a grave---

Barn: Well, that was your JOB, you slave!

Willie: Barnabas---

The first time I met you,

When I sprung you from that box,

I was scared,

you were sly,

then you bit me---

Barn: Your blood tastes like LOX!

Willie: But like a father or a brother,

we learned to put up with each other,

So now I'm asking, Barnabas---

Do you love me?

Barn: You're a FOOL.

Willie: Hey, YOU brought me back here, and sent Adam packing. Do you love me?

Barn: Why should I love you?

You spoiled my plans,

Nearly got me caught.

Spread the Dream curse,

Now, my Adam Project's shot.

Still, you look cool in that turtleneck---

You should be sent back to Windcliff, but what the heck----

Willie: Then you LOVE me?

Barn: ACK, maybe like a-- a---

great-great-GREAT grand-uncle THRICE removed---

I suppose I do. . .

Willie: And I suppose I love you, too.

It doesn't change a thing,

But just in case,

If Barn tries to cane me again,

I'll throw it in his face!

(with all due apologies to Sheldon Harnick, Jerry Bock, Harold Prince,

Zero Mostel, Sholom Aleichem, et.al, if any are still living, AND deceased !!!)

=====================================================

There are those, I suppose,

who think it mad when a thief goes

 to an old tomb at night,

that's nearly a ruin.

What Joshua Collins thought was safe

and quite impenetrable,

Willie made the secret door seem

Nothing more than laughable!

But the fact is,

Willie popped the door while smoking a Bidi

(that nasty foreign ciggy)

Rattled all those chains,

then flipped open the box,

And got a bad wrist hickey---

Good-bye, old life of crime,

The "boy's" changing and HOW,

So, Barn, swing your cane,

'Cause here comes Thoroughly cowered Willie now!

===============================================

" 'Barnabas finds himself in the year 1897... a time of terror and intrigue at Collinwood.'  Wow. What were the odds of that happening?"

When was there EVER a time when there wasn't terror and intrigue at Collinwood? THAT would be a fun storyline---

"The Year That NOTHING Terrible Or Intriguing Happened At Collinwood" !!!

(Opening scene: Barnabas and Julia, sharing an I Ching trance, enter through the Door of the Hexagram of Change.

Barnabas peeks into the Drawing room. He turns back, and looks at Julia, his face ashen--- well, more ashen than usual.)

Julia: Barnabas, Barnabas, Why do you look so shocked? What terrible yet intriguing thing did you see?

Barnabas: Oh, Julia. . . You will never believe it. It's more incredible than ANYTHING we have ever experienced !

Julia: Did you see a werewolf tearing someone limb from limb?

Barnabas: No.

Julia: Did you see a zombie or zombies laying waste to Collinwood?

Julia: Did you see a witch performing a horrible spell?

Barnabas: No !

Julia: Did you see--- gasp!--- another VAMPIRE, turning the family into the living dead?

Barnabas: NO !

Julia: Well, Good Lord, then, Barnabas, what did you see that could be MORE terrible and intriguing than what we USUALLY run into?

Barnabas (voice shaking): Why, I saw. . . Elizabeth, making out a shopping list that DIDN'T include brandy and sherry. She gave it to Mrs. Johnson, who smiled cheerfully, and said she'd go shopping right away! Maggie and David came in, and he showed Elizabeth a great algebra problem that he had just solved. Roger came in, hugged David, and said such a bright boy deserved a trip to McDonald's! David said no, thanks, he'd rather eat Mrs. Johnson's great cooking! Then Carolyn dashed through, saying she was going to be late for WORK ! Quentin was going to drive her into town, but said he'd be a little late, because he had to pick up the paperwork he needed to join a MONASTERY! Maggie told David it was time for his CALCULUS lesson! Then Chris dropped in with Amy, and invited David to come out later to share their telescope, because they were going to study the FULL MOON! David asked Elizabeth if he could go, after he watched "Laugh-In" on their new 24 inch TELEVISION! And then Stokes brought Hallie over. She was wearing HIP-HUGGERS----

Julia (putting hand over her ears): Oh, nooooh, pleeease, Barnabas, nooooh. . . It all sounds so-so-SO BORING!!! Let's get out of here NOW, and find another door with things we're used to, like 4-headed slimy Leviathans or Shrieking ghosts or Magical severed hands---- ANYTHING but NORMAL LIFE!

Barnabas: Yes, let us depart this dimension of mundane horrors ! Hexagram of CHANGES, indeed! (Slams door shut.) Now, let's snap out of our trances, throw the wands again, and maybe we'll be lucky enough to get the Hexagram of Swamp Things, or the Hexagram of Death Banshees---

 Julia: Something we understand! And ENJOY!

=====================================================================

 I've been working on another DS crossover lately, a way to combine my two favorite shows (did this on one of my mailing lists). . .

 "OZZ SHADOWS"

VICKI WINTERS, tired of having her pay cut back to 1795 levels, leaves Collinwood and spends the days and nights of her tomorrows working for the new family in town. . . People tell her she's >bleepin'< mad, but she doesn't understand. . .

SHARON can't stand Angelique, neither her ">bleepin'< schoolgirl giggle" passing for a witch's >bleepin'< cackle, nor her going after OZZY(!) There's a rotten ham with Angie's name on it, just waiting. . . She hasn't made up her mind about Julia, a doctor who doesn't do much of anything else, yet always has sedatives on hand. And she doesn't want Ozzy to visit Roger or Quentin Collins, what with all the brandy they chug down.

Then, Willie shows up on the Osbournes' doorstep to borrow a few extra crosses for the girls to wear when Barnabas is out prowling at night. He's already survived the hose-down greeting trespassers get. He didn't mind it at all, since he hasn't had a shower or a trip to the laundromat for about 2 weeks. Sharon opens the door, and feels sorry for him, so she has him in for tea. With her unerring instinct for spotting star potential in the least-likely candidates, she asks him if he'd like to leave that >bleepin'< Barnabas, sign up with her, get a few tattoos, and have his own monster rock band. Thus, "Willie-Fest" is born!

JACK thinks David Collins is a >bleepin'< weenie, whose only weapon on hand is that crystal ball, and who runs away from Jack when the latter shows up at C'wood with full metal jacket and a GRENADE LAUNCHER. . . Then David puts the trip wire on the Grand Staircase. . . Oh, well, Collinwood needed a new roof anyway!

KELLY thinks Carolyn Stoddard is a slut, but likes the "smelly" ambiance at The Blue Whale. Reminds her of home, without the yapping, barfing dogs, but plenty of yacking, barfing sailors. . . She's possessed by the spirit of Charity Pansy Faye Trask, but instead of "I Wanna Dance With You", she sings "Papa, Don't Preach!"

OZZY doesn't like >bleepin'< Collinsport much, it was more peaceful in Rehab. He's in competition with >bleepin'< Nicholas Blair to decide which one is the REAL >bleepin'< Prince of Darkness. He likes to hose Nick off his front lawn just to see him get STEAMED and hear him SIZZLE. . .

 Then all the dogs begin to howl. (Though nobody really notices. They're all used to that.) The doorbell rings, and it's too late to turn on the >bleepin'< hose. . . .

It's BARNABAS COLLINS, come to inquire of Mr. Osbourne "about an unfortunate incident a few years back, involving the inadvertent mandibular decapitation of a BAT by Mr. Osbourne. . ." He has an idea for Ozzy's next concert. "Would you care to see some RED bubbles, Mr. Osbourne?"

 "SHAR-UNNNNN !!!! "