To be sung to the tune of "One Tin Soldier" (theme from "Billy Jack")
 
 Listen, children, to a story
 written 35 years ago
about a mansion on a mountain,
and the harbor folk below.
There was a treasure near the mansion,
 buried beneath a tombstone,
and a thief named Willie Loomis swore
he'd have it for his very own.

That very night he went a'prowlin',
toolbag held tight in his arms.
Nobody missed him at the mansion,
they were fed up with his dubious charms.
At the graveyard, Willie struggled,
but soon thought he'd cause to gloat,
till a hand wearing an onyx ring
reached out and grabbed him by the throat!
 
Barnabas bit foolish Willie,
Locked poor Maggie away from her friends.
He did it in the name of Josette,
the means justified by the ends.
If someone with a stake and hammer shows up,
it'll be Barn's Judgement day.
On the bloody morning after,
One cruel vampire has to pay!

V.O.S.R.

========================================================================

Subject: Return of the filkster! (Was: Re: Matthew's cottage)
Date: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 13:33:42 -0400
From: Lorraine
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

GhostWriter wrote:

> On Sun, 14 Oct 2001 17:51:54 GMT, eedit@carroll.com (Eric Newman)
> wrote:

> >On 14 Oct 2001 16:13:46 GMT, bigred37920@aol.com (Bigred37920) wrote:
What a renovation!!! From Matthew's humble cottage to Laura's comfy digs!
WOW!
Why can't Liz stick Jason and Willie in the cottage if she objects to
their presence at Collinwood? 
Because Jason insisted on a room at the Hotel Collinwood.

-----------------------------------------
On a dark ocean highway,
salt wind in my hair,
rotten smell of dead lobsters
rising up through the air.
Up ahead in the distance
I saw flickering lights.
My head grew heavy
and my wits grew dim
so I stopped for the rest of my nights.
As I stood on the granite doorstep,
I could hear the big hall clock's knell.
And I was thinkin' to myself,
"This can't be Heaven,
It's more likely Hell."

But Mrs. J answered my knocking,
When Liz saw me, she was like ice.
And she said, "Because of you,
I'm a prisoner here of my own device."
I said, "Tough luck, dear lady,
I don't care in the least.
Put me and my mate up.
If you don't, I warn you,
he can be a very beast!"

Next thing I remember,
Willie was running out the door.
He was headed for the cemetery,
Something he'd not done before!
He heard some heartbeats
calling from an old painting. . .
When he came back home,
he was pale and fainting, oh---

Welcome to the Hotel Collinwood---
Such an evil place,
full of sin and old disgrace.
There's 40-plus rooms at the Hotel Collinwood---
But, please, DON'T stop by,
Unless you WANT to die. . .

===================================================

Lorraine
From - Wed Jun 23 23:31:10 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Re: Filksong #2 -- Grease Strikes Again!

I was thinking about "Worse things" today in work. Maybe we should
have TWO versions--- one for Real Time Angie, and one for the Parallel
Time edition.

Here's what I came up with:

There are worse things I could do,
Than cast a spell or two.
In-laws at Collinwood think
I'm a gold-digger and no good.
Yes, that's definitely true,
And there ARE worse things I WILL do!

I'll curse that traitor Barnabas,
Shatter Josette's world just like glass,
Run Ben Stokes 'round like a wheel,
Grind Vicky Winters 'neath my heel,
There's no stopping me, it's true;
Even dead, I still have work to do.

Barn now chases blood at night,
His sister died from cold and fright.
Trask's tearing the town apart,
Barn bit another dock tart,
All to avenge my broken, shriveled heart.

I'll hurt more innocents, you see,
in my spite and jealousy,
For I was USED! How much I cried!
So I'll keep stealing, and I will lie!
No regrets shall I accrue!I face a threat from 1692,
Diablos's dirty work I will do!
V.o.S.R.
=======================================
Ode to David Selby (Nov. 1999)
(Based on "Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes")

I just gotta tell ya,
"Quentin's" one hunky fella---
Just askthe ladies of the DS NG,
They know love grows
where David Selby goes,
as any red-blooded woman can see.

He looks great in a sweater,
his wavy hair's gone salt-and-pepper.
Lean, tall and straight,
his eyes blazing' blue!
We know love grows
where David Selby goes,
After thirty years, it's still true!

There's something about him
reading his poem,
makes us feel at home,
though his charms have us near-fainting!
It's just as if a strong magic spell
keeps him looking so swell---
Is it C. D. Tate's painting?

Even wearing reading glasses,
"Quentin" still wows the lasses.
His enduring appeal holds no mysteries.
You see, love grows
Where David Selby goes---
It's God's handiwork, not Count Petofi's!

=======================================
From - Sat Aug 14 15:26:52 1999

Date: Sat, 14 Aug 1999 15:26:52 -0400
From: "V.o.S.R."

(The following is to be sung to the tune of "The Good Book"
by Melanie:)

We're good little DS fans,
Out on our own.
We've come to the Festival,
We feel it's just like home.
We've've fallen in love
With all DS stars,
Who'll happily welcome us,
Even if we act like nutbars.

We'll get some programmes
With pictures and names.
We'll line up for hours
For the guys and the dames.
We'll join in a Q and A,
Or wear a costume,
And we'll visit the sponsors
In the Dealers' Showroom.

(bridge)
I'll buy a video, you buy a mug,
maybe John Karlen will give us a
hu-u-u-ug. . .

Well, it's tough that the hotel rooms
Aren't all that cheap---
And it's rough that the volunteers
Are suffering lack of sleep---
But we'll buy Roger's T-shirts
And some PomPress books.
And we'll marvel together
At Lara's and Kathryn's looks.

Let's give a hand for Pierson and Staff,
Send Dan Curtis kudos.
If it wasn't for DS, Sci-Fi,
And MPI videos. . .

We would all feel alone
Without Collinwood as home,
So come on down to the Festival,
And become one of our own!
===================================

> From - Fri Nov 13 00:47:21 1998
From: "V.O.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Sexiest Undead '98

(Cue in DS intro music)
(A hot summer's night at Collinwood. The Great Clock in the foyer
strikes. Victoria Winters, who's been standing on an upstairs balcony,
goes inside to wake Julia, Carolyn, and Maggie.)

Vicki: Come on, guys, it's midnight! Hurry or you'll miss it!

(The trio tumbles into the hallway in their robes, and follow Vicki to
the balcony. All gaze down at the patio, where a bat lands, and
transforms into Barnabas. He doesn't notice them; he holds his cape
out, as though he's concealing something large. Another victim?

The ladies begin to pant as he opens his cape slowly to reveal
a sixpack of Diet Coke. They become ecstatic, as he pulls the cape off,
and reveals that he is dressed in jeans and a tank top.)

Barn: It's such a hot night, like those nights in Martinique. It
brings on SUCH a raging thirst!

(The gals darn near fall over as he takes his shirt off, punctures a can
with his fangs, and begins to drink slowly.)

Carolyn: Wow. . . I wish I was that can.
Maggie: Me, too. I mean, three.
Julia: I'd beat you BOTH to it. With His cane! Vicki, this is the
greatest! How can we ever thank you?
Vicki: Oh, I'm not the only one you should thank. . .

(A shimmering image begins to form on the balcony beside the group.
Angelique emerges, and takes her place at the rail with the others,
wearing a naughty smile.)

Ange: Yes, ladies, I'm SO glad I let Vicki talk me into altering
Barnabas's curse. This beats the Hades out of watching him
bite yet another screechy bar girl, and wearing one of those
BORING three-piece suits. This reminds me of those nights in
Martinique. . .
Vicki: Now, isn't it better to work WITH us, rather than AGAINST us?
Ange: Yes, sisterhood IS powerful. Especially when the sisters are
watching one BLAZING dude!
Julia (high-fives Angelique): You GO, girlfriend!

(They continue to watch Barnabas go through all six cans.)
(Fade out, and DEEEEEP Voice-over DS theme:)

"Just for the TASTE of it. . ."

V.o.S.R.
(she of the wicked, wicked ways)
========================================

 
From - Sat Mar 13 23:49:58 1999
From: "V.O.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: A new housekeeper at C'wood
SCENE: Collinwood at midnight.

Elizabeth paces back and forth in front of the fireplace, and wringing her hands.
The first thing one notices is that her nails are all about a half-inch long,
and iridescent red. Professor Stokes sits, watching her, adjusting his pince-nez.

HIS nails are short, but perfectly oval, and quite shiny.

Liz: Oh, Professor, it's all happening again, those terrible night
attacks on the young women in town. I'm worried about Carolyn, Vicky,
and Maggie all over again, and our new housekeeper hasn't returned yet
from shopping at Seven-Eleven.

Prof: Elizabeth, Seven-Eleven closes at eleven. (The Great Clock
chimes) It's after 12, now!

Liz: That's EXACTLY why I'm worried!

Prof: Good Lord, why did you send her out, then?

Liz: Well, she's not too experienced as a housekeeper just yet, but she's up and running almost 24 hours a day. And anyway, she forgot to buy milk this afternoon.
I need it for all the tea she makes that
we never get around to drinking, once we start in on the brandy.

Prof: Yes, it's just not the same since Mrs. Johnson eloped with Willie.

Liz: We should have expected something of the kind. She was after him from day one--- all those cozy little visits to the Old House to trade recipes for boiled dinner and chowder! And now, she's gone, and he's gone, and Barnabas just never seems to be at home during the day anymore. Julia's so worried, she's run out of sedatives three times this week. She says her "connection", I mean drug supplier, was shut down by the FDA. Or was it, arrested? Maybe they carry sedatives at
Seven-Eleven.

(Julia enters, her head hung low. But her nails are a gorgeous opal shade.)
Julia: Has anyone seen Barnabas tonight? I finally have
some--er--sedatives for him.

Liz: No, but Elliot and I have been discussing the recent attacks. The new housekeeper is late coming home from the store. Are the other girls safe?

Julia: Yes, they're all upstairs in Carolyn's room, having a "slumber party",
and painting their finger and toe-nails. Aren't they rather OLD for a slumber party?

Liz: Well, they can't do anything until their nails dry.

Prof: You DID make sure the crucifixes were hung on their windows, Julia?

Julia: Yes, though I broke a nail doing it. Darn, I'll have to get the new housekeeper to fix it when she gets home.

Liz: She's not much of a housekeeper, but she DOES do such gorgeous--

Julia: Pretty---

Prof: Beauty-ful work on our nails.

(Carolyn comes into drawing room in her nightgown---her nails are as yellow
as her hair. Maggie's are lime green. Suddenly, something
crashes against the door. Vicky runs to open it, then backs off and
blows on her nails, which are a blinding silver, matching her toenails.
Banging continues, and Professor opens it with a grunt of annoyance. The
new housekeeper, a small woman with a dark bob of hair, and wearing a
plaid smock with tiny embroidered feet on the front, almost falls in.
The Professor and Julia walk her to the couch.)

Liz: Ms. Swann! My God, what's happened to you! (points to bleeding puncture wounds in the housekeeper's neck.)

Ms. Swann: Oooh, I tell you, he grab me in the dark, and he bite me and run away! But not before I SEE him. Ooh, it hurts, you got Bactine?

Julia (suspiciously): Well, I have some sedatives---

Prof: No, wait, Julia, you can't put her out before she tells us who bit her!
We may be able to solve the whole mystery, going back to 1967!

Julia (mumbles): If you haven't solved it before you won't tonight, you clueless
old toot---

Prof: Excuse me, Julia?

Julia (sweetly): Oh, nothing, Elliot. Just hoping Ms. Swann
has some clues.

Prof: All right, Ms. Swann, tell us about your attacker.

Ms. Swann: Yeah, okay. He-he--he---

All: Yes?

Ms. Swann: He--LOOK LIKE A MAN!

Prof: You already told us he was a man, dear girl. Now, you must be more
specific. What was he wearing?

Ms. Swann: He was wearing a thing, you know?

Prof: What kind of thing?

Ms.Swann: Big thing, wrapped me up like hot towel, and he bit me!

Prof: Alright, maybe we're getting somewhere. So, he was wearing---a cloak, correct?

Ms. Swann (giggling): You and your silly little glasses, and cute jiggly face.
You make me laugh! YOU tell the story better than me!

Prof: (losing patience): Ms. Swann, maybe Mrs. Stoddard should just call the sheriff.

(Door swings open: It's Roger, bobbing and weaving, with the Sheriff. Roger, BTW,
is the only C'wood resident with ordinary nails.)

Liz: That's amazing! I never touched the phone!

Roger (intoxicated): I just ran into the Sheriff while out drinking and driving. Literally ran into him--- his car I mean. Now I have to bribe him to drop the charges, and I owe him a shinny new BMW.

Liz: That's SHINEY!

Roger: Tell it to our incestors!

Liz: And this isn't Sheriff Patterson! He isn't bald and cute like old George. In fact, sir, you look suspiciously like, both, my former fiancee AND my late ex-husband!

Sheriff: Complain to the casting director. I'm your NEW old George, and that means I get to visit you for some afternoon delight like HE used to! (winks'n'nudges Liz)

Liz: No way! I'd rather play house with a VAMPIRE!

Julia (fervently): So would I!

Prof: Just question Ms. Swann about her attack, George. I can't get anywhere with her.

Roger (disgruntled): Neither could I!

Prof: The attacker overpowered her.

Roger: I don't believe it, after what she did to me the first night she moved in.
I was merely trying to get into her room to check if the lightbulbs were working. She kicked serious @$$!

Ms. Swann: I just do what my Gramma Swann teach me when I was a little girl,
you big grabby male chauvinist lousy boss! She ran biggest Tae Kwon Do school
in Bangor! But it didn't work when--- when--- He grab
me in the dark, and he bite me! Ooh, where's the Bactine?

Sheriff: Once more, Ms. Swann, describe your attacker.

Ms. Swann: He big, and he strong, and he carry a thing, you know?

Sheriff: PARDON me, Ms. Swann? What kind of "thing"?

Ms. Swann: You have naughty dirty mind! He carry a long, shiny--

All: Yes?

Ms. Swann: Long, shiny thing! You know?

Sheriff and Prof: NO WE DON'T!

Ms. Swann: Okay okay, don't get your BVDs in twist. I tell you what he look
like, okay?

All: PLEASE!

Ms. Swann: He--

All: Yes?

Ms. Swann: HE--

All: YES?

Ms. Swann: HE--

All: HE WHAT!

Ms. Swann (triumphantly): HE--LOOK--LIKE--A--MAN!

Sheriff (yelling in frustration): He looks like a man! He looks like a man! Dear God, how can you take it, bright shiny nails and all! Roger, just drop the bribery check in the mail, and forget about the new Beemer. I'll just have to wait until the attacker bites a Rhodes Scholar. See you later, Liz, I've got to be off. issuing parking tickets or something! (Runs out the door; moments later, a shuddering male scream is heard, O.C.)

Liz: Well, I guess HE won't be back to harass me. Maybe that attacker isn't so bad after all.

Roger: We'll be safe, I'm sure, as long as we keep the front door locked. . . I'm for bed. Anyone care to join me, eh, Ms. Swann?

Ms. Swann: As if I would. Anyway, you get big hangover in morning and then I have to clean!

Maggie (seductively): I'll be up, Roger. My nails are dry now. Like them?

Roger: Ah, yes, lime green. . . My favorite color, you know. Didn't I have a wife for about a month who used to wear it all the time? She said it was for me, but
she was a real witch.

Vicky: Emphasis on the "witch"! Let's go finish playing "Old Maid", Carolyn.

Carolyn: Then, let's play "Go Fish Bill Malloy."

(Everyone goes upstairs, and Ms. Swann is left alone. A bat taps
against the windows of the French doors to the patio. Suddenly, Barnabas
appears, looming over the tiny, defenseless ex-nail-salon owner. She
turns to him, and--)

Ms. Swann: Hey, Barnabas, you big strong hunk of vampire man.
Come to Ms. Swann. (They embrace passionately.)

Barnabas (tenderly): So, you got rid of them!

Ms. Swann: And you got rid of Sheriff Patterson! Thank you, he was big pain,
like Roger.

Barnabas: Alas, we're stuck with Roger for now. It's tough being his incestor.
Ah, Ms. Swann, I'm grateful we found each other--- you're prettier than Julia, though not as pretty as Willie, alas. Better nails, though. (Kisses her hands, which are tipped by 14K glue-ons.) Maybe you can help me with mine. Now that
I'm not taking Julia's medicine anymore, they're going to get a bit gnarly.

Ms. Swann: You know, she even forgot to give me Bactine!

Barnabas: Well, that's just as well. I hate the taste of Bactine. Peroxide,
now, that's not too bad, and it helps keep my gingivitis down as well. I say,
Ms. Swann, why don't I show you the Old House by moonlight? (Nibbles her neck.)

Ms. Swann: What, you run out of candles over there?

Barnabas (voice husky with lust): No, my sultry seductress. I'd just like you to come over, and slip into something more comfortable, like an 18th-century wedding dress. Now let's hurry, before anyone looks for you--- (Hustles her out the French doors. They didn't see a young boy hiding behind a loveseat with a camera. . .)

David: Boy, wait till Dr. Hoffman gets a load of these pictures!

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK ON "MAD TV". . .
===================================================

From - Mon Aug 16 01:11:40 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Add-a-Filk

I was hashing out some filk-song ideas based on ballads so complex, I
just got through the first verse before getting tired. Here's one:
(apologies to Bobbie Gentry)

It was pretty warm
that long winter of 1795;
No swirl of snow,
just thunder storms of rain
filling up the sky.
There was supposed to
be a big fancy wedding
at the Collins estate;
Instead, a funeral a week
has filled the social scene---
What a sad sad fate.
And now we just heard
the bride-turned-widow
took an awful spill;
Last night, Josette Du Pres Collins
jumped off that tragic Widows' Hill!

I wouldn't call this a round-robin challenge, but if someone
would like to add to this. . . (One verse tells of a gossiping
preacher who comes to Sunday dinner--- a neat fit for Trask!)
V.o.S.R.
-==============================================

From - Mon Dec 07 02:05:33 1998
From: Sarah Collins
Subject: Re: Today is Jonathan Frid's Birthday
Date: Sat, 05 Dec 1998 12:21:00 -0700

V.O.S.R. wrote:

> Sarah Collins wrote:
> >
> > V.O.S.R. wrote:
> >
> > > Sarah Collins wrote:
> > > >
> > > > FENATIC wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > happy birthday JF
> > > >
> > > > I was wondering if anyone would notice. Yes today is Jonathan's
> > > > birthday.
> > > > and I am very happy to wish him the merriest of days and many more!
> > > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY JF.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > > > Happy Birthday Big Brother, from your Collinwood sister Sarah
> > > > Collins
> > > -------------------------------------------------------------
I can picture him now. . .snug in his home. . .Then the doorbell rings.
He reluctantly rises to answer. . .There's a pimply-faced youth in a
uniform standing on the porch. He hands Mr. Frid a package. "Special
Birthday delivery from V.O.S.R., sir," the boy quavers. . . "Vassar?
Why on earth would I get a package from Vassar?" Mr. Frid demands in
the measured tones of menace he once used in the Barnabas role. . .
"Sorry, sir, it's V-O-S-R, a set of initials, I read it wrong," the
young fellow snivels. . . "Still, I don't know anyone with those
initials. Maybe it's a prank!". . . "No, sir, we put it through our
state-of-the-art-ultrasonic prank detector, and it's clean," the
delivery boy wheedles. . .Mr. Frid glances at his name tag. It reads,
"Willie L." "Somehow, THAT'S fitting," he thinks. . .He sighs, signs for
the package, and even tips the persistent youth. "A little something
for you, on MY birthday". . ."Oh, THANK you, sir! I'll even sing the
birthday song!". . . "That WON'T be necessary. Good night". . .
Mr. Frid carries the package to the kitchen, and opens it. . .

It's a six-pack of Diet Coke. . .and a small birthday card that reads:
> > > Just for the taste of it!
> > > Happy Birthday, Mr. Frid!
> > > Voice
> > > of
> > > Sweet
> > > Reason.
> >
> > Hello V O S R, have you ever had a Pepsi Free? What 's with you and Diet
> > Coke
> > ( I drink it all the time btw). Don't get me wrong I like your stories
> > very much. :-] Sarah Collins.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> It started with the afternoon performance Mr. Frid gave at Hofstra.
> There was a small stand set up by the lecture podium for a container of
> water, but there was no pitcher, no bottle, nada. . .I don't know if Mr.
> Frid had anything during the intermission, but during the two acts, he
> "ran on empty". When the time came for what he called "Questions and
> Evasions," he was becoming raspy, requested something to drink, and
> someone ran to get it. He or she returned with a Diet Coke. I don't
> know if this was Mr. Frid's preference, or if that was the only thing
> left in the soda machine, but he made the best of it, sipping it slowly.
> The incident was recalled for me when "PostCool" kindly e-mailed
me two very good close-up photos of Mr. Frid--- one solo shot, and one of Mr.
> Frid embracing Edith Tilles, the DS hairdresser. In both, the Diet Coke
> can is clearly featured. (PC even commented on this, and inspired my
> fantasy Diet Coke commercial!) Then, when I got back MY pix of Mr. Frid
> at the autograph table, THERE'S the missing pitcher of water, AND a
> bottle of water, AND a nice piece of stemware---but the Diet Coke can is
> closest to him!
> V.O.S.R.

That's great! now you are the Mistress of the Diet Coke treasures and fables.
long may you reign. Sarah Collins.

==========================================================

A Holiday Greeting from Lockwood-Mathews, celebrating Jonathan Frid' first
visit to the mansion in many years, and his performance of his one-man show on
December 15, 2001:

Canadian Child,
bright, shy and mild,
A prosperous builder's son.
His life was meant
for different work,
a most surprising one.
He left his home
and went his own
and solitary way.
And he gave to us
a gift we know
we never can repay.

A man who lived for acting,
denied a simpler fate.
He went into the Navy once,
but the stage just wouldn't wait.
He plied his craft with discipline,
and a thundering, velvet voice.
His thorough way of sculpting roles
made him the directors' choice.

We thank him for the Shakespeare,
For "Arsenic and Old Lace."
From "The Crucible" to "Mass Appeal".
played with conviction
and much grace.
We thank him for the readings
from Poe and other souls.
And most of all, for "Barnabas",
perhaps best-known and loved
of all his roles.

This man from Canada has slowed
and his eyes are growing old.
But his voice is still his instrument,
and still can stir your soul.
They broke the mold when he fell out,
and everybody knows,
there can be NO replacement for
the man from the Shadows.
====================================

Date: 07/27/1998

This place has been pretty empty lately;
I pick through posts so meager.
Is it the heat, or did everyone
return to work at the same time?
The posters no longer seem eager.
I've trolled in MillenniuM's halls,
And christened myself anew (as "Vanilla Rose")
Within the Religion NG's walls.
Because the spirit that drew
Voice of Sweet Reason to Collinwood
Seldom, if ever, calls.
So, hail Sir Guy! Sir Dave! Sir Stu!
The Ladies Pat, Janet, et.al.,
the whole alt.tv.dark_shadows crew!
Let not the Ghost of Morgan Collins
be the only poster bold and true!
So much better can we do!
Voice of Sweet Reason suffering delusions of poetic grandeur
=====================================================

April, 2001: Subject: Disco Fever in Collinsport
Erica wrote:
>
> > > I'd really prefer not to have to sit thru several
> > >years of Seventies fashions just to get to the present day...
> > > pstoddard
> >
> > Why not? We could look forward Dark Shadows: The Disco Years.
Barnabas' new theme song would be "Staying Alive"!
> > Eugene "Chuck" Collins
>
> And Julia could hypnotize people with a little spinning disco ball.
> Hmm, Barnabas in a white polyester leisure suit....(shudder!)
>
> Erica
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, but cantcha see Willie, and Harry Johnson in "shark suits", with lotsa
gold chains, hassling the ladies like those SNL characters?

A NIGHT AT THE BLUE WHALEBURY (1977):
Willie Loomis and Harry Johnson bop into the notorious C'port
dive--- heads bobbing to "Disco Inferno", shaking booties, cruisin' for
chicks... They spot Maggie AND Carolyn out together. When the girls get up
to leave, the boys make their move, snaking around them so they can't
escape, dancing them into traction. The young ladies scream for help, but
bouncer Adam is going to pieces (literally!) as Willie and Harry bump HIM,
then do a high-five and yell, "SCORE!"

Suddenly, the music stops, and all heads turn to the door.
Two figures who don't seem to fit in with the scene stand there--- a man in
a cape, carrying a cane, and a 1968-leisure-suit-wearing fellow with a
mustache. Barnabas roars, "WILLIE!", and Nicholas Blair says, "Now, Harry"
in a silky tone of smarmy menace. . . Willie and Harry have no choice but
to let Maggie and Carolyn slump to the floor and follow their masters. But
don't fret for the girls--- they're immediately helped by a newly-docked
crew of foreign sailors!

At Nicholas's house, Barnabas says, "We should deal with these two idiots
MY way!" as he raises cane. Nicholas stays his companion's hand---"No,
wait, I have a BETTER idea!" Nicholas goes to the altar in his cellar, and
makes an incantation to Satan. Within minutes, a horde of the damned are
boogying into his parlor, all wearing shark suits, shaking booties, and
bobbing their heads to the tune of "Freak Out!" They surround the two
miscreants and dance THEM into semicoma---but not before Barnabas and
Nicholas join in, and Willie's and Harry's screams are drowned out by the
zombies high-fiving and yelling "SCORE!" V.O.S.R.

======================================================

Subject: DS Lite
Date: 07/07/1998

I thought I'd just throw these last few thoughts in. I know it's jarring
after all the heavy discussion, and I'll probably jump back into them after
I've packed my duds for the Fest and had a rest. But I've been thinking
about them all day during my boring, lonely job,
and want to share before I forget everything. (Not hard to do, since
fretting about and prepping for the trip has made me lose sleep.) Besides,
who else will appreciate them? I'd like to thank this newsgroup for giving
me an opportunity to share thoughts about DS and related issues, make jokes
about DS, and in general, sharpen my writing skills.

Issue the first: DS Fest dream guests, and their probable reactions to
being invited (inspired by Abe Vigoda's bemused, but amused observation at
last year's outing: "I was only on the show two times!" note: actually, it
was three times.)

**Harvey Keitel:"Dark Shadows? I was on THAT? What WAS that, anyhow? Oh,
I was in the crowd in a bar scene? You'll have to narrow that down. I've
been in so many bar scenes... Wait a minute. I was wearing a tie? Ogling
a blonde? Okay, I'm closing in on it!"

**Susan Sullivan: "Let me think. . .Oh, yes. I WAS a ghost or something,
wasn't I? Didn't get to say a word. Their loss! But, oh, that Mitch
Ryan. . ."

**Marsha Mason: "Please don't remind me. I only wore those fangs for an
hour, but my gums hurt for days!"

**Barnard Hughes: "I can't believe ANYONE remembers that! I was on during
the time nobody watched the darn show anyway!"

Issue the second: Patsy Cline and Dark Shadows---In my opinion, based on
some of her songs, Ms. Cline was a DS kind of gal. The following are some
of her biggest hits, and their possible use by the most appropriate
characters:
Walkin' After Midnight: Barnabas to Maggie, Roxanne, Carolyn, and the rest
of his female victims.
I Fall To Pieces: Adam to Carolyn
She's Got You: Josette to Barnabas and Angelique
(If You Loved Me) Half as Much: Julia to Barnabas
(How Can I Face Tomorrow When I Know) I'm Losin' You: Barnabas to Josette
and Jeremiah
Your Cheatin' Heart: Beth to Quentin.
Sweet Dreams: Gerard/Judah to Daphne
Crazy: Willie to Barnabas
V.O.S.R.

======================================================

Subject: The improving nature of work for
vampires

Date: 04/07/1999
Author: V.O.S.R.
Barnabas Collins wrote:
>
> Dear Lady, Deb;
> I do not work!
> Leisurely Yours,
>
> The loving brother of Sarah
>
> B. Collins
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, idle hands (and fangs) ARE the Devil's tools. . . As the DS
unofficial, unlicensed, and unqualified social worker, my files (marked
"X") indicate that Mr. B. Collins ought to find SOME suitable employment
(on the second or third shift, of course!) to keep him IN Amontillado and
OUT of trouble (with waitresses, governesses, dockside doxies, and a female
physician with a very chafed neck!) My penetrating analysis of Mr.
Collins's character also indicates that he needs to find more common ground
and sympathy for his long-suffering
thrall/servant/companion/counselor Willie.
So a leadership position is out of the question at this time, though I
would remind Mr. Collins that ANY occupation, no matter how odious and/or
tedious and/or menial, has dignity if the worker gives it his/her best
effort!
I put the question to the posters, and to Mr. Collins himself:
Given the restriction in the prior paragraph, what job (NOT career!) would
YOU have liked to see Barnabas do?
V.O.S.R.

===================================================

 Subject: Something completely different Date: 06/24/1998

Maybe there doesn't need to be a new "Dark Shadows." There's already
another show (and movie) featuring a short, red-headed spinster doctor who
tags along with a tall, pale-faced gent who wears nice dark suits but can't
seem to get a decent haircut, and who lost his younger sister years ago.
They run around trying to solve mysteries but always end up GETTING the
run-around. They've already encountered vampires,
werewolves, fungus people, circus freaks, cannibals, witches, aliens,
ghosts, etc., etc. . . Chris Carter always says he was inspired by
"Kolchak: The Night Stalker" but gosh-darn-it, the resemblances appear
rather more than a coincidence, don't you think?. . .

Voice of Sweet Reason
====================================================

Subject: Vega-ly DS (formerly: Re: "Da da da
da da" on DS)
Date: 11/28/1999
Author: V.o.S.R.

DivaMagenta@webtv.net wrote:
>
> Gee, when I saw this subject line, I thought we were going to be
> discussing songs by The Police! Bummer... : )
>
> DivaMagenta @>~~>~~>~~~~

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought somebody was going to do a filk of "Tom's Cafe" vis-a-vis the
"Blue Whale, similar to the dippy Nick-at-Nite version they did for "I
Dream of Jeannie". (Was stuck watching NaN with friends who watch almost
nothing BUT.)

Well I walked along the docks
till I came to the Blue Whale.
Asked for Scotch upon the rocks,
scrounged myself a corner table.
The next thing that happened,
a big wolf crashed through the casement.
Bob the barkeep, he freaked out,
and hauled @$$ to the basement.
I still sat there with my drink,
asked the wolf, "want to wet your gullet?"
He just growled and tore my shirt,
Till I tossed him a Silver Bullet ...

and----

My name is Willie
I live in the Old House next door.
People think I'm crazy,
But they don't have a vampire to work for.
If you hear something late at night,
Crack of a cane, a scream of fright,
Just don't ask me why I'm bruised,
Just don't ask me why I'm confused,
Just don't ask me anything at all. . .

V.o.S.R.
(aka Luca)
=================================================

Subject: Dream a little dream (formerly: Re:
No homicidal tendencies!)
Date: 08/05/1999
Author: V.o.S.R.
Jeanannd wrote:
>
> >victoria_winters@my-deja.com
>
> >Sweet Pete told me that he had a terrible nightmare, but he only got as
> >far as saying something about
> - - - - snip- - - - -
> Vickie, we like you...really we do. But PLEASE don't share your
nightmares
> with us. You see there is this rumor in Collinsport about a DREAM
CURSE...and
> you catch it when someone tells you their nightmare, then you have a
nightmare
> that is even worse and just HAVE to tell someone, then they get it, and
so on
> and so on....it's not something you really need to share with us. Now,
we DO
> still like you, it's just your nightmares we fear. ;)
>
> Fellennium web page at http://www.fellennium.com
> includes a Millennium Msg board, chat room for Millennium, Dark Shadows
> Message board, links and FanFiction area, episode guide for Brimstone,
> pictures, etc,.
>
> jeanad (AKA) jeanannd
------------------------------------------------------------------
V.O.S.R. has a dream:

Beckoner is an NG troll. I can't see the face, but he/she's wearing an "I
flamed everybody worthwhile on the DS NG, scared 'em away 4-ever, and all I
got was this lousy T-shirt" T-shirt. I wish it was someone nicer, but you
get the beckoner you deserve, I reckon. Could be worse, I mean, it could
be Clinton, either Bill OR Hilary. Or Judge Judy. Or Michael Jackson. Or
Saddam Hussein.
Anyway, this NG troll person, surprisingly silent (they can't talk without
a keyboard in their hands), leads me to three doors. The little trashcan
nearby starts smokin'. How cheesy, I think, I should be having this dream
at Hill House, with fool-proof computer-generated fog, not this smog that
makes me hack and wheeze more than a pack of Julia Hoffman's Camels.
I open door no# 1. (where's Monty Hall when you need him?)
Just a day-glo green skull, what a yawn. Turn second knob--- YUUUCCKK,
is
that OLD SWEAT from JeffPeter ClarkBardford's ICKKY sweaty palms on that thing? If so, I wonder how Vicki can STAND him pawing away--- that stuff could ruin one's lime green Orbach's mini-dress. That brass knob is turning green NOW---

A guillotine? Well, thank goodness I'm not in the habit of going into a
room head-first, but they'll have to do better than THAT. After all, this
ain't the French Revolution, and I'm not Marie Antoinette (never even
played her on TV.)
Okay, door number three. Geez, I hope there isn't a tacky corpse, headless
or skeletal, or a bat or rat. . . If I laugh too much in my sleep, I have
to wake up and run to the bathroom. Then I won't be able to sleep again
for the rest of the night.
Opening the door, slooowly. . .
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oh,
Gawd, no. . . talk about the point of RETURN! There HE stands, babbling
about how Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern are BOTH
right (!), how working moms and other "undesirables" are ruining the
country, all his excuses for not fixing up his house and buying crummy old
cars, and the SAME tired stories about his less-than glorious years in the
Service, getting wasted, etc. . . . He's saying WHAT? "How about giving it
another try, babe!"
IT'S MY EX-BOYFRIEND! NO, PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT THAT! SAVE MEEEEEEE!

There! Now EVERYBODY'S gonna have a "dream curse" dream tonight!
V.O.S.R.
an equal-opportunity offender
==========================================

 
> V.o.S.R. wrote:
>
> > This is my theory, the theory that belongs to me, and only me, who is
> > the one who is sole owner of this theory:
> > If baby "Her name is Victoria, I cannot take care of her" had been left
> > on an orphanage doorstep in winter-less Collinsport, would her new name
> > have been. . .
> > Victoria Thunders?
> > Victoria Storm?
> > Victoria Windblows?
> > Victoria Rains?
> > Victoria Seabreeze?
> > Victoria Fullmoon?
> > Victoria Darkclouds?
> > Victoria Greyskies?
> > Victoria Eclipse?
> > Victoria Shadows?
> > Victoria Bolts?
> > V.o.S.R.
===========================

From - Wed Jun 23 23:16:18 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Re: Descendants
Date: Sun, 20 Jun 1999 02:42:29 -0400
David1229 wrote:
>
> Those Collins boys did sow some wild oats. You don't think Angelique was
> Barnabas' first conquest do you?
>
> > waubrey@aol.com wrote:
> >How can the Collins family have descendants if Barnabas and Jeremiah are
> >dead,
> >leaving noone to continue the family line?
> >
----------------------------------------------------------

Barn was a soft-spoken guy, (doc-lang, doc-lang, doc-lang)
Girls agreed he was sweet, kinda shy (doc-lang, etc.)
Didn't mess with tramps, and here's why (doc-lang, etc.)
'Cause he vowed to wait forever (oh, yeah)
For a love forever true, (oh, yeah)
And when he finally found his woman (oh, yeah)
All the wild things he would do! (oh yeah, yeah)
Then Barn met Angelique (doc-lang, doc-lang, doc-lang)
On the hot streets of Martinique (doc-lang, etc.)
Oh, the bedsprings they sure did creak! (doc-lang, etc.)
She thought he'd love her forever (oh yeah)
Said, "I'm gonna make him mine! (oh, yeah)
But he met Josette, then he dumped Angie (oh, yeah)
She'll chase him till the end of time! (oh yeah, yeah.)
Sooner or later, oh-no
Angie's gonna make Barn pay, oh,no,
Josette's high on her hit list, oh, no,
And Jeremiah's just in the way, oh, no.
Here come the Doll and pins, oh, no,
House of cards and stolen junk, oh, no,
Angie just won't wait
for her love to fade,
She can't settle for a lesser hunk!
So that's how it all began (doc-lang, doc-lang, doc-lang)
Barn was a naive virgin man (doc-lang, etc.)
Didn't KNOW girls could make such plans (doc-lang, etc.)
For a blazing dude so fine, so fine,
But blind! (doc-lang, doc-lang!)
V.o.S.R.
===========================================

Wed Jun 16 23:52:05 1999
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows
Subject: Re: Angelique tells Barnabas the same
Deborah wrote:
>
> Scott Michels wrote in message
> >Is anyone else reminded of Billy Joel's "Always A Woman To Me" (I think
> >that's the title)? Someone out there has to have the lyrical talent to
> >write an Angelique oriented parody of that song. Any takers?
>
> Actually, Mr. Joel's opening:
>
> "She can kill with a smile,
> She can wound with her eyes"
>
> seems a good beginning!
>
> Deb
-------------------------------------
"Killer Queen" by Queen, properly twisted, would make a dandy
Angelique filksong as well:

She keeps her magic rosewater
in a secret cabinet.
In her spare time she
plots against that
clueless fashion plate Josette.
Witchcraft's her remedy
for drudgery and poverty,
In every time and every place,
she will be found. . .
Her lust is naturally for Barnabas
for his feelings she can't care less.
Meticulous but not precise,
she's a voodoo queen.
She's got some agility
with a conjure doll
and a handkerchief---
guaranteed to blow Barn's mind
(if she can't get the knot untied...)

She can't avoid interception,
she's always at the same address.
In conversation,
this maid speaks
just like La Comtesse!
A little spell will beguile a
Josette and Jeremiah
and a twist of the wrist
will make Joshua
purr and twitch his tail---

She can be sweet
as a molasses vat,
She'll curse a man,
using a puppet Bat!
She'll absolutely drive
Barn into a casket, casket---
She's out to get him---
She's a voodoo queen. . .

============================================

Subject: Aerosmith and DS
Date: Thu, 10 Feb 2000 02:46:23 -0400
From: "V. O. S. R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

(To the tune of "Janie Got A Gun")

Jenny's got a knife,
Jenny's got a knife,
She tried to take her husband's life,
Now that's an angry wife!

What did old Quentin do?
What did he put Jen through?
He left her pregnant with twin babies,
to run off with his sister-in-law.
His other girlfriend's looking after her,
But Jenny just got dafter---
Her hairstyle's never gonna be the same!

Run away, run away,
from the tower room, Jen!
Run away, run away,
attack your snotty in-laws!
Run away, run away, run away,
with a blade in your hands. . .

Jenny's got a knife,
Jenny's got a knife,
but Quentin's come back to life!
What's a crazed Gypsy to do?
It's Jenny's last IOU!

She's found out all about Barnabas---
Now she's a million miles past insane!
Jenny sees Beth and Quentin nestin',
She tries to kill her best friend,
But Quentin's at her throat and
Full-moon nights will never be the same!

'Cause Jenny's got a knife,
Jenny's got a knife,
but her husband took HER life,
And Jenny's sister's curse
will bring pain and strife. . .

V.o.S.R.
============================================

Subject: Re: Josette's Lamenting Limerick
Date: Sun, 06 Feb 2000 11:44:24 -0400
From: "V. O. S. R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Tim wrote:

> "Josette Collins" josette_collins@hotmail.com wrote:
>
> >Every attractive brunette
> >Barnabas thinks is Josette.
> >While perhaps it should flatter,
> >I tire of the matter
> >And so wish he would just forget!
> >
> >Josette Collins
> >(I am not Rachel Drummond)
>
> Seems he also has trouble with a certain blonde.
> She casts spells on him and carries on.
> A crazy rubber bat bit him and he bled,
> and this made him one of the living dead.
> So now Barnabas fears the dawn.
>
> Tim
> ~~~
> "If it ain't broke, break it." -- George Carlin

========================================
A red-haired lady doc who loved Barn was so bold,
she tried to cure his vampire blues but instead made him old!
Then she tried to fix things by shocking Adam into birth,
but that "cure" proved almost more trouble than he was worth!
Still, grateful for her efforts, Barnabas keeps Julia close,
but for lovin', he will turn to a prettier redhead, who's COMATOSE!

V.o.S.R
==========================================

Subject: Re: Stokes' song
Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2000 18:37:38 -0500
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

"Deborah G. Buckner" wrote:

> Lily B. K. wrote in message
> >>Subject: Re: Stokes' song
> >>From: "Scarlett" scarlet8@ix.netcom.com
> >>Date: 03/16/2000 10:46 AM Eastern Standard Time
> >
> >>> No it isn't...Stokes song (especially Eliot's) is....
> >>> "Sheerrryyy, Sherry baby, Sheeerry.."
> >>>
> >>No, that's more Quentin's song ;)
> >>
> >>-Scarlett
> >>
> >>
> >Uh-uh; his song is "Brandy"....
> >Lily B. K. (Me, Myself, and I)
>
> Couldn't resist!
>
> A decanter on the sideboard stands
> Waiting for a Collins' trembling hands
> In a crystal glass the elixir lands
> For Quentin's home again.
>
> (We hear him say)
> Brandy, you're a fine drink!
> What a good friend you can be.
> Through my life, my loves and my troubles,
> Here by the sea.
>
> There's a maid with golden hair
> And she works keeping brandy there.
> When she sees Quentin's glassy stare
> It's time for a refill.
>
> (She hears him say)
> Beth, you're a fine girl
> What a good wife you could be
> But my love, my life has no hope
> But this brandy.
>
> Deb
----------------------------------------
Pardon me for being so bold, but I thought I'd
"add-a-filk" to complement your own
fine work:

(bridge)
At full moon, Beth always watched Quent's eyes
and his canine teeth a-changing.
She could see his nostrils turn dark and wet,
Body hair sprouting, clothing dis-arranging!

But she was faithful to the end,
Wolfman Quentin's truest friend.
Though he didn't appreciate
Her, till it was too late!

At night, she comes home late
from helping his children,
denied her by fate.
She loves a man in
a cursed state.
Beth pours him drinks,
as her heart sinks. . .

She hears him say,
Beth, you're a fine girl,
What a good wife you would be.
But my love, my life has no hope
but this brandy. . .
V.o.S.R.
======================================

 
Subject: Re: Werewolf
Date: Fri, 03 Mar 2000 20:13:54 -0500
From: "V. O. S. R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Kate wrote:

> Fatsam1813 wrote in message
> news:20000302121620.17859.00003185@ng-cn1.aol.com...
> > Who plays the werewolf after transformation.
> > When you see Beth & Quentin face to face he is about 4" taller than her,
> today
> > when she was face to face with the wolf she was a good 2" taller than her.
> > Sam
> > sam@fatsamproductions.com
>
> Alex Stevens played the werewolf for both Chris Jennings and Quentin. He was
> about 5'8" and both David Selby and Don Briscoe were at least 6'. I assume
> they decided his experience as a stunt man was more important than his
> height. Or maybe they thought viewers would think the werewolf was always in
> a semi-crouch.

---------------------------------------------------------------
Stevens' experience was more important than the color of his eyes, at least in
Selby's case. . .

Don't know why,
when the moon is full,
Quentin's eyes lose
their azure hue.
But a werewolf's
just a vicious hound---
And that's what makes
Quent's blue eyes brown!

V.o.S.R. (running for cover from enraged Crystal Gayle fans everywhere!)
==================================================

Date: Fri, 24 Mar 2000 23:48:13 -0500
From: "V.o.S.R."

"SPAGHETTI DREAMS OF THE DARK"
("Sogni di Spaghetti della Notte")
by V.o.S.R. (Voce di Rationale Dulce).

The hero, Stefano Rattibuorno, is a man long cursed with an incessant
desire for Spaghetti and other pasta products, with or without sauce.
A strange dream brings him to the pasta capital of Italy, Porto Cojones,
home of the Cojones family. Here he meets Vittoria Solstici, misterioso
orphaned governess to young Davidio Cojones. She shares Stefano's love
of of the macaroni. Stefano must confront his past, including his
vengeance on the man who cursed him 100 years before--- he put him
through an organ grinder. Talk about spicy meatballs!

Along the way, Stefano comes into conflict with Barnabo Cojones,
similarly cursed by his jealous estranged wife, Angelica La Bruca, who
has lured Stefano with the dream. Barnabo also has designs on the
bellisima Vittoria. A central episode in the book occurs when Stefano
and Vittoria sneak away for a sensuous 10-course dinner at their
favorite ristorante, "Spaghettio Eddio's", including a lavish, erotic
depiction of Vittoria seductively slurping her spaghetti, and Stefano
licking the sauce as it slides in a thin stream down her throat.

Other characters include Signora Elisabetta Cojones Stunod, the hermit
mistress of the Cojones estate, who spends hours locked in the wine cellar, supposedly mourning her missing husband Paolo, but actually knocking off the
Chianti supply; her brother Roderigo, who tries to develop fermented beverages
out of duram semolina, and spends most of his days testing the product; and Elisabetta's daughter Carolina, known to the town's young men as "La Putana",
due to her habit of doing the tarantella clad only in a thong bikini, at the dockside watering hole, Il Cetace Azura. And, of course, Roderigo's spoiled son, little Davidio, who runs away when Vittoria fails to help him make a costume for Carnevale, because she has a hot ziti date with Stefano.

And the list wouldn't be complete without Guilli, Barnabo Cojones's servant,
and former Mafioso, who is forced to cook huge pots of blood-red marinara all day while his master sleeps off his previous night's gluttony. Which Guilli
wouldn't mind so much, but he's allergic to tomatoes... A secret he keeps from all, till the day Stefano visits Barnabo's home, Casa di Cojones Antico... The unforgettable scene when he dices Guilli's zucchini and cooks his penne until it
is soft and limp and drizzling with olio and Gorgonzola will set your heart racing. It will also set your feet racing--- to the medicine cabinet for Alka-Seltzer.

"Sogni di Spaghetti della Notte" has already been optioned for the
cinema. It is rumored that Roberto Benigni of "Life is Beautiful" fame,
last seen ecstatically climbing the seats at 1999's Oscar ceremony,
will both star and direct (as Stefano, Barnabo AND Guilli), with his lovely wife Nicoletta Braschi as Vittoria (of course.) (The charming, precocious, TINY Giorgio Cantarini would have rejoined his former film parents as little Davidio, but alas, had a recent growth spurt and is now 2 meters--- just over 6 ft.--- tall!)

Advance acclaim for "SPAGHETTI DREAMS OF THE DARK":

"Delicioso! Had me begging for seconds!"---- NY Times Restaurant Critic
Mitch Mangia

"My Dad would have loved this!"---- Chef Boyardee, Jr.

"A little heavy on the saucy stuff, but worth every bite!"---- Wolfgang
Puck

"That delightful Signor Benigni will be making a film of THIS? IL
SCANDALE! His Holiness is NOT going to like THIS one!"---- Vatican
spokesman Cardinal Linguini

"Spaghetti Dreams of the Dark"---- Coming to a bookstore, movie theater,
and restaurant near YOU!

====================================================================

Subject: It can happen to YOU! (Was: Re: Evan and Handley)
Date: Fri, 17 Mar 2000 20:01:41 -0500
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

Can I Play With Madness? wrote:

> Lily B. K. wrote:
>
> >LOL! V, are we corrupting you...?
>
> All right! Corrupt away! I love that sort of thing.
>
> >Lily B. K. (Me, Myself, and I)
>
------------------------------------
How I Went Astray--- A TRUE Story!

It wasn't supposed to BE this way. . .

I came on the newsgroup one night, because a friend told me it would be
cool, and I wouldn't get into any trouble, and Mom and Dad had nothing
to worry about.
So I arrived, and everyone was SO cool, and yet, SO nice, I just
relaxed. . . Enjoyed the satire. . . Danced to a filk or two. . . Joined
in breathless debates.
Not a care in the world.

Then, someone offered me an entendre. At first, I refused, said I was
saving myself for a Smart Remark and On-Target Witticism. Entendres
seemed like such CHEAP shots. My new friends said, calm down, take it,
it's small, you'll enjoy it a lot, and it won't ruin your perfect
record.

So I took it, and they were right, but soon I wanted another
entendre. Then another. Before I knew what was happening, these "nice"
new friends were offering me DOUBLE entendres. I gobbled them down, and
soon wanted to make some of my own, and spread them around, so that
everyone would be hooked, like I was.

And soon, those whom I had thought to be my friends decided I had gone
too far, and left me high and dry when the Pun started elsewhere. My
Mom and Dad would like to wash my mouth out with soap, but I haven't
actually SAID anything, just TYPED all those entendres, and I'm a
compulsive hand-washer anyway. Plus, it would look rather strange if a
couple nearing 70 washed out the mouth of their 43-year old child!

As I said, it started innocently. And now, I have been corrupted.
And there's NO going back.

It wasn't supposed to BE this way. . .

V.o.S.R.
(Hoping Reverend Trask won't show up to try saving MY soul!)
===============================================

Subject: Re: Express Mail
Date: Sat, 22 Apr 2000 23:54:14 -0400
From: "V.o.S.R."
Newsgroups: alt.tv.dark_shadows

(To the tune of "Take a Letter, Maria")

Last night, while I sat home
around half-past twelve,
there was the cousin I thought I knew,
come to lock me up inside a cell!

He said "Good luck,
but I believe you'll die
When the sun comes up again."
But luckily, I had a desk,
with paper and a working pen!

So I hope you see
this letter, Ju-li-a,
addressed to
nineteen-sixty-nine.
I'll stick in this secret drawer,
It'll be a cinch to find.

Please read
my letter, Ju-li-a,
Come rescue me
from all this strife!
Get those I-Ching
wands together,
Or else I'm gonna
lose my life!

You've been many things,
but most of all,
a faithful friend and true.
In times like these,
I know I can take
full advantage of you.
But once you're done,
I'll be on the run
after another pretty face.
But you'll come through,
Because I know you
are just a hopeless case.

So get that letter, Ju-li-a,
away from that brat.
Say you'll come
and let me out,
because I'm
trapped like a rat.

Please read my letter Ju-li-a,
and maybe, if you do
come back in time
to save my tail,
I'll be so
much nicer to you.

=========================================

May, 2002: A Poem I wrote in a very bad Rupert Brooke Moment,
When I thought I would be unable to attend this year's Festival:

If I must stay home this year, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of the Festival
that is Forever Lorraine. There shall be
in those endless lines of weary fans, a stubborn spirit revealed;<