evening. This is Chris Hansen of Dateline-NBC, for another session of TO
CATCH A PREDATOR.
Tonight, our operations are centered in this antique seaside house, in the picturesque village of Collinsport, Maine.
The town was once noted for whaling, fishing, and canning of seafood, but has since turned into a summer tourist destination for thousands hoping to enjoy the rocky but beautiful ocean beaches and the quaint village life.
Unfortunately, in the last several decades, Collinsport has also been a destination for those who would violate and injure attractive young and often underage teen girls. This activity has ramped up since the introduction of the Internet in the last decade.
It is believed that Collinsport girls are proving a magnet for a sexual predator or predators who express themselves by roughing up a girl and biting her on the neck. Several young girls have nearly died from this treatment, and a few have fallen, or been pushed, from a steep beachside cliff known as Widows' Hill.
Perhaps coincidentally, perhaps not, several victims have been live-in tutors at the neighboring estate of the town's leading family, known as Collinwood, located near the notorious lookout point.
The current wave of victims who have met their attacker or attackers online is believed partly due to the current fashion of vampire lore, especially the TWILIGHT series. Young girls log on and chat, or text away to boys and men that present themselves as being the same ideal supernatural creature as "Edward Cullen" but discover to their horror that, in real life, there ARE worse things than sparkling vampires with sexy hair--- or even hot shirtless werewolves.
The dedicated decoys of Down & Dirty Justice have been chatting and texting up a storm, and we anticipate the arrival of a predator right now. One of the D&D female decoys has been posing as a 16-year-old on a Twilight chat room, calling herself Jo-Sex. She has been having some "bloody hot" exchanges with a wanna-be Nosferatu who calls himself Batty4Yu1795, and has arranged for him to meet her at this house.
Oddly, our investigators who traced his computer ID could not find much information about Batty4Yu1795, except that he was probably more "mature" than the usual lot.
Let's go to our hidden cameras....
(Shot of Barnabas Collins coming up the walkway, complete with Inverness cape and silver wolf's head cane. He looks around curiously, but seemingly without anxiety, not appearing to notice or suspect he's being recorded. He rings the bell. A youthful-looking, dark-haired Down & Dirty Decoy answers the door.)
BC: Miss Jo-Sex, I presume?
DDD (simpers, giggles in exaggerated adolescent manner): Oh, hi, I thought you'd NEVER get here in time!
BC: In time for WHAT, my dear? (takes her hand)
DDD: Oh, you know--- My folks are out shopping right now. I don't expect them for at least an hour.
BC: Ah, that's MORE than enough time for what I have planned for us, my dear. (Presses his lips to her wrist)
DDD: Ye-Owch! What did you just do to my wrist?
BC: I'm sorry. There was a small spider on your lovely arm. I took the liberty of, err, removing it for you.
DDD (starting to sound woozy): Well, ummmm.... I guess I'd better go get ready for our, uhhh, get-together in that outfit you sent me.... (Stumbles out of room, holding a tissue to her wrist.)
(Chris Hansen pops out from another doorway and steps in front of Barnabas.)
CH: Oh, Hello. Please, don't go. I'd just like to speak to you while Jo is busy.
BC: Miss Jo said that her parents were at a store. Who in blazes are YOU, sir? A panderer? A THIEF? (Raises his cane.)
CH: Whoa whoa whoa, fella. I'm none of the above. Do have a seat over there, please, and lay down that cane.. (Barnabas sits in the biggest easy chair, by the fireplace, but holds his cane at the ready on his knee.) Let's have a little chat. Have you ever heard of a TV program called "To Catch a Predator"?
BC: Why no, I don't watch much television. I live in a an old house with limited electricity, and I consider most modern TV programming to be rubbish, to be blunt, especially the so-called "reality" shows. Give me an opera or old film on that PBS channel, anytime.
CH: Well, that's your opinion. I'm Chris Hansen for Dateline-NBC, and I am the host, if you will, of "To Catch a Predator." We work to capture men who are trying to seduce young girls and boys through the Internet.
BC: You're the host of--- Ah-ha. You mean you engage in entrapment, on camera, for the salacious entertainment of millions. And you think that I, Barnabas Collins, English cousin of the illustrious Collins family, am a predator. How utterly absurd. (Taps the cane, threateningly.)
CH: Mr. Collins--- that IS your real name, eh? You seem to be such a dignified fellow--- how does that jibe with your chatroom handle, "Batty4Yu1795"? And the fact that you came here tonight specifically to meet a girl you have been led to believe is 16?
BC (Laughs) Mr.Hansen, that part of it sounds like some schoolboy's prank. I did NOT solicit Miss Jo on the Internet. I am acquainted with her and her family.
CH: Oh, REALLY, Mr. Collins? Then why were you so insistent that she should be alone in this house when you visited?
BC: Why, Mr. Hansen, shame upon you for your evil thoughts. I was just hoping to arrange a little SURPRISE for the whole family.
CH: Aha, Mr. Collins, would that little surprise include some of these suggestions you made to the young lady you call "Miss Jo"? You talk about salacious, what do you call quotes like these?
"U have a firm and lovely throat, I long to taste it before the big bite."
"R U a virgin? I want a virgin bride I can teach everything about the night life."
"Come with me to my lair and put on Josette's gown, and climb into my special casket. I will drain U dry and U will long for more."
Is this supposed to be pretend NECROPHILIA, Mr. Collins?
"Do not tell your family--- they will never understand, giving yourself to me 4ever is your destiny."
Well, that WOULD be a surprise for Jo's family, I'd say!
And oh yes, this got a HUGE red flag--- " Please don't be afraid of my Willie. He rises at my bidding, and has a big wooden surprise 4 U. He only wants 2 satisfy U when he comes."
(Barnabas responds to each quote with a slightly raised eyebrow and bland smile, but no other visible emotion.)
BC: Oh, that.... I see that no matter how I try to explain our little code, Mr. Hansen, you will never understand. Like an empty-headed young brunette governess I once knew.
CH: So, you're NOT denying that you came here for sex with an underaged girl?
BC: The sexual part, I DO deny. I cannot, how do they say it these days, "get the party started." Alas, my friend Julia does not dispense Viagra or Cialis, just sedatives. But yes, I DID come to claim a bride. And--- (studying CH closely)-- perhaps another servant. Poor Willie, my--ah--BUTLER, has been clamoring for a vacation. Wants to go to this place called "Six Flags." Hmmm, I seem to recall a storyline at Collinwood that involved flags of some sort. I DO hope Judah Zachery isn't involved, though that bald fellow with the bow tie and big spectacles dancing to that HIDEOUS tune is frightening enough! Perhaps it's Nicholas Blair in disguise...
CH: You mean there's a whole RING of predators, including a woman who deals drugs? This confession is unprecedented !!!
BC: Mr. Hansen, the only RING involved is THIS one. (Holds up the finger which wears his onyx ring.) Look deeply into its black, black center. I COMMAND you. AND your camera people.
CH: Uh, NO WAY, you FIEND !! I don't usually warn our predators in advance about this, but the police are waiting right outside the door to bust your sorry vampire-wannabe ARSE. All I have to do is shout out---
BC (Laughs evilly): Mr. Hansen, you forget, these are COLLINSPORT gendarmes. The modern equivalent of the early movies' KEYSTONE KOPS. And VERY much impressed with the Collins prestige--- and money. We've been getting away with murder and worse for nearly four centuries. I am almost a novice, only doing so for a mere 215 years. (Bares fangs.) But doing it well.
CH (terrified): What-what-WHAT could be "worse" than MURDER? Oh my God--- This ISN'T an "Edward Cullen" type---
BC: DAMNED right, Mr. Hansen. Because I am BARNABAS COLLINS. I am a REAL vampire. I drink REAL human blood. And... REAL VAMPIRES DO NOT SPARKLE !!!!
(Cameras go black to the sound of Hansen screaming like a banshee, and the video crew passing out.)
(Cameras pop on again. Willie Loomis enters the house.)
BC: Well, Willie, DID all the police go to the accident on the other side of town?
Wl: You betcha, Barnabas. None of them were crazy about pulling Roger Collins out of another gulley with his car, but it WAS near a doughnut shop, and with the bonus you paid them... Sheriff Patterson led the, um, rescue party. Pretty soon we're going to have to call him Sheriff Patty, because with all the donuts he's been eating lately, he kind of LOOKS like one.
BC: Excellent !!! And did you prepare the "receptacles"? I told you I'd need at least two. (Points to groaning but unconscious Hansen in his seat. Then "Jo-Sex", the Down & Dirty Justice decoy, appears, in Josette's tattered gown.)
WL: Yeah. Thanks for letting me order caskets from Batesville instead of building them. I'm sure those two will appreciate the mattresses. So that's gonna be my replacement for two weeks, huh? And your new bride--- I did a bang-up job playing the Internets for yah, huh, Barnabas?
BC: That you did, Willie, that you did. You HAVE earned your vacation, indeed. But I don't know exactly where I'm going to find another slave the NEXT time you need a break, or if I need more brides. They get used up so quickly, and, well, this fool WILL eventually have to return to his futile mission of ridding the world of predatory hebephiles, one video ambush at a time.
WL: Well, Barnabas, I was thinkin'... There's this TV builder named Ty Pennington, and he could get the whole TV crew to redo the Old House. Turn it into one of those McMansions in seven days !! More than I could do in seven YEARS !!!
BC: As long as he doesn't install those cheesy Palladian windows... They are SO 1980s. I loathed them back in the 1780s. Otherwise, Mr. Pennington is worth considering, even though he makes YOU look suave, sober, and well-groomed.
WL: And as for more brides--- there's these babes, named Kardashian. Weird family, all the sisters' names start with K. They're kinda squishy-lookin', but boy, are they hot stuff !! I really don't think anyone would miss one or two of THEM. And maybe we'd get to go to Miami !!!
BC: Well, as long as it's NOT that atrocious Gosselin woman, or one of those--- BLECCCH!!!--- New Jersey Housewives !!!